Ontology as a Lifestyle [ ? ]

I've been thinking about how to go about educating myself through the traditional post-secodary school system.

Due to the fact that I can't seem to shake this interest in computer programming and [more recently] interface design, I find myself faced with too many choices and desires:

1. I would like to study either psychology or philosophy to further my understanding of the human mind as it relates to reality. Psychology is scientific where philosophy is abstract. I favor psychology as a discipline, but tend toward philosophy as a more native way of thinking.

2. I would like to study certain aspects of "physical education" in order to understand exactly how the human body moves and the various aspects of what, physicallly, is happening. This is an extension of my interest in martial arts and the desire to know what exactly are the physical ramifications of particular actions. At first I thought I would have to slog through physics to get to this, but recently I have found courses that exactly mirror that which interests me. Enough for a Minor, possibly enough for a Major, in collegiate terms.

3. I would like to study certain aspects of graphic design and visual communication in order to develop an understanding of the human-computer interface. I would apply this in my work as a web designer/programmer and possibly extend even into traditional computer interface development.

4. I would like to study japanese... the language and culture fascinate me. My attempts to learn bits and pieces over the years give me a background as well.

5. I would like to gain an appreciation of theatre and acting. As I said in a conversation with a friend of mine, "psychology to understand the mind, theatre to express yourself." The concept of learning various ways of expressing oneself as an academic endeavor is a very powerful idea to me, and something that I would like to pursue.

And therein lies the problem. If only I could study all of them -- but how to choose only one or two?

Contemplations of a ontological nature overflow into existential crisis at times, making the study of "the human being" something critical to my life and mind.

I can't see myself quitting martial arts in this lifetime, so physical education is very important.

Thus far, the most interesting career ideas have emerged from computer programming and interface design, making that an important area of study.

I will study Japanese. When is the question.


Well, at least I have written down my intentions and desires regarding formal education.
There may be more to come. And of course, the inevitable decision [as soon as possible, but not a moment before].

And a few moments later, I read [although I am unsure of the validity of the quotation]:


"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."
-Elvis Costello

From naughtybooth.com, the messageboard:

Some guy called "Thewiseguy" wrote

pushing boundaries is so much more than just incorporating one style with another - its been done, and done and done. pushing boundaries is taking what is invariable in said genre and making it a variable. changing the unchanged.

Interesting idea.

I want to create something.

I mean, really create something... not just shift bits for a living... what is that something? I don't know.

Will I find out before it's too late to act on my desires? I don't know. I feel like I'm losing my mind... such a desperate fight against time and space. Only desperate if I feel desperate, though. My desperation is creative. How can I sustain interest in a thing to the point where I will be able to attain mastery of the medium and move on to actual expression?

The learning curve just seems to get longer and longer for everything that I do. Web design, sketching, martial arts, "higher education"... everything... it feels as though everything that I want to do has already been done. Either it has been perfected to the point of scientific mass-reproduction or expanded upon by artistic minds to levels that exceed my ability to perceive. I start to wonder if re-interpretation is all that is left of creativity... am I doomed to a life of mediocrity and regurgitation?

Possibly the real illusion is thinking that I had a grasp on my mind in the first place, or that the idea of "originality" is something more than a new spin on old ideas.

This life is so strange. We live, we die. Existence, nonexistence. Fuck.

In some ways, thinking this way is freeing. I can do anything, and the worst that can happen is that all of the pain will end.

But then, the motivation for things like growth, fighting the socio/psychopathic urges that dwell within every human being, love, "justice"... all of these things become changed. Self-interest becomes a more obvious reason for living. But then, the exploration of self-interest reveals just how connected humans are in their individual/collective struggle.

What happens when a person loses his or her fear of death? Hm.

something that's been on my mind alot recently: homosexuality. genetic? social? I'm curious. curious...

erase and rewind... cuz i'll be changin
my mind...

lol

I can't believe that it was a month ago already that I was wondering what the oh-so-ominous status symbol called "blackbelt" meant.

Black Belt - What's the Purpose?

Exemplifying my previously mentioned lack of interest in the concepts of authority and power, something seems to be amiss regarding the ever-popular designation of achievement in the martial arts -- the coveted black belt. I think that the problem lies in the fact that the black belt is not entirely unattractive to me... I have not properly discarded the stigmatic meaning associated with the symbol.

The problem lies within the idea of power that is attached to the black belt... no matter how many times I am told that the belt is "only the thing that holds your pants up", I will still have the idea that you are commanding a group of people to contort themselves and move en masse at the first word. The problem is not that I dislike the idea; rather, the problem is that the temptation is ever-present to abuse that "power". The concept of institutionalized control itself is the key to human arrogance and self-importance -- this is what I fight against every day. There are so many avenues that a person can use to gain access to 'status' that the idea itself becomes the goal. Indeed, getting the metaphorical "black belt" is the motivation that many people use to justify the means that they use to gain their ends. This applies to many endeavors in life, not just martial arts. Money is one of those symbols that people use to motivate themselves. In the pursuit of money, almost anything can be justified. Destruction of the environment, the virtual enslavement of those who are at an economic or educational disadvantage -- all of these things can be waved away without the slightest qualm. The problem, however, is not the money itself; the problem is the perception of the individual who is in possession of the money.

The application of this idea to martial arts is that having obtained the black belt, there is almost an expectation that the individual becomes "something other" -- he is acknowleged as having been initiated into some kind of 'club' from within which he can look at everyone else with new eyes. Starting to sound like a cult or religion, hmmm?

Having looked out at the world as someone of the 'higher order', it becomes much more difficult to learn without the interference of the ego. It is even easier to pontificate and over-represent oneself as the "keeper of the knowledge".

The operative phrase is "keeper of the knowledge".

Substitute 'order' for 'knowledge' and suddenly one becomes a maintainer of the status quo. My problem is that such a fine line is all to easy to cross. Why burden myself with that kind of negative mental chess game?

My ego is far too strong as it is, and I don't need to identify with something external to my sense of self-worth to justify my reasons for practicing martial arts. I identify with my efforts, not with the belt ranking that I hold. I need no symbols to compel me -- I know this because during my first year of college, I practiced by myself for an average of at least one hour every day, sharpening my abilities through workouts that I had created. Upon returning to the dojang, I found that the depth of my understanding had far exceeded the level that I would have obtained had I stayed at my present belt level, as I would have if I had followed the institutionalized system of belt ranking.

I value the community provided by the school, not the stratification created by its forced distinctions. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking is the type that will get a person kicked out of a martial arts school for sleeping through the black belt test... but that's another story entirely.

From the Record of Master Dongshan:


A monastic asked, "Why can't one obtain the robe and bowl when one endeavors constantly to wipe it clean? What sort of person should obtain them?"

The Master replied, "One who does not enter through the door."

"If one does not enter through the door, can they obtain them or not?" asked the monastic.

"Although it is just as I have said, it isn't the case that they do not have them," replied the Master.

Dongshan also said, "Even to say from the very beginning, 'Not a single thing exists', is similarly not a case of being worthy of obtaining the robe and bowl. Now speak, who is worthy of obtaining the robe and bowl? You should present a turning phrase right here. What turning phrase will you present?"

At that time there was a monastic who presented ninety-six turning phrases, but none was suitable. Finally he presented a phrase that satisfied the master. "Why didn't you say that earlier?" said Dongshan.

Another monastic had eavesdropped on these exchanges but had missed hearing the final turning phrase. Therefore he sought help from the first monastic, but that monastic would not agree to talk about his answer. For three years he pestered the first monastic, but in the end it still had not been explained to him.

One day when he was ill the second monastic said, "For three years I've sought to be told that turning phrase, but I've not yet benefited from your kindness. Since I've not gotten it by peaceful means I'll use violence." With that the monastic seized a knife and said, "If you don't explain it for me I'll kill you."

Wait a minute! I'll tell you," said the first monastic in terror. " Even if I were to bring them out, there would be no place to put them." The second monastic made his apologies.

I've been thinking, as I've already posted, about entering into philosophy as my major in college.

Now I'm beginning to remember why it was that I decided to go into Computer Science instead.

I Have a Major Problem With Authority.

Translation: when I write something, I expect the reader to think. Professors don't like to think when reading their pupils' papers. They just want to get the same recycled tripe that they get from every hapless student-drone, only written in a particularly fascinating way. My style of writing is something that you have to think about. That is how my mind works.

I've heard the same thing from my english professor back at that super-expensive school that I dropped out of because I couldn't afford; the same thing is what I'm getting now from my religion studies professor at this school that I've worked my bones off to put myself through... the whole "authority figure" issue comes in because both teachers knew full well that I am very intelligent and that the material covered as clearly not a cognitive stretch for me to understand... in fact my writing demonstrates that I fully appreciate the material discussed far beyond the required level of comprehension. But.

But -- my writing style is somehow offensive. So my grades suffer even though my professors know that the material is not anywhere near challenging to me. I suppose that I show that by writing circles around it. My problem is that if I begin to write the formulaic regurgitations that are required, I will be forcing my way of understanding into this preformed, headshrunk level of academic shitwork.

Professor: Show your intelligence! Show me what you know! But give it to me on my terms.
Me: If it is my understanding, how can it be according to your set of rules and regulations?
Professor: Because it is my grade to give.
Me: *silence*

I walk away, wondering if my whole life will be like this.

If my way is either too good, not good enough, too "weird", incomprehensible, etc... how can I be anything other than a plain-vanilla imitation of every other drone out there?

How can I get around this obstacle?

Rhetorical: Is there any way for one human being to objectively analyze another?

National Post: 48 Hours
June 1999

I have read, heard and to some extent thought about the question of "capitalist lifestyle". The lifestyle that I am writing about is that of opulence, arrogance and decadence. The image is that of a young man dressed in fashionable, expensive clothes, driving to clubs in expensive cars, easily surpassing the line by flashing his million-dollar smile. Once inside, he is instantly recognized by all inside; his status is undeniable. From the club to the office, he conducts himself casually, well aware of his worth. His weight in gold lies on the scales of economy in which he plys his trade with a deft ease that leaves his opponents at a disadvantage and stacks the deck in his favor every time. His only guiding commandment is worship of the almighty dollar. As long as he pronounces his undying faith in its charms, the gods of commerce reward him handsomely.

The perpetual smirk on the face of this man gives silent voice to all that reinforces his sense of self:

People in the third world are starving. So what?

My lifestyle is not centered around worshipping the all-powerful dieties that so obviously are the real governors of our collective existence. My style is get money-spend money and whoever gets screwed in the process just didn't measure up. So what?

My fellow citizens are frustrated and discontented that subservience to their tax-bracket shackles leave them relegated to a vicarious shell of the wealth that I generate with every snap of the fingers. So. What.

I have what I need and what I want. If you don't, that's your problem.

A capitalist pig, thriving at the cost of the common man? Or a man with the determination to rise above the rest and the stamina to stay on top?

I used to believe that the capitalist ideal put money before people. But since then, I have realized that for the most part, individuals put their well-being ahead of the well-being of the community.

to be continued.

Sentences Rarely Make Me Drool

From The Hedonistic Imperative:

"Trapped in the squalid psychochemical ghetto of Darwinian life, we lack the necessary wetware to conceptualise radically altered states of mind."

And the rest of the abstract is suggestive of quite an interesting future for us biological machines...

In martial arts class yestereve, we were practicing one-step sparring drills [one person throws a punch, the other person blocks, counter-attacks, etc]. Feeling a bit discontent about things, I was tired and hungry from the happenings in my life outside the dojang [school]. As we were going through the one-step sparring drills, I thought to myself what a waste of time and energy they were, and began to think about a more "realistic" way of going through the drills. One idea was that as my partner began to move, I would move against him, not waiting for the full extension of his punch before counterstriking.

As we took turns exchanging roles between aggressor and defender, I began to adapt my reaction to his first movement -- i.e. the step of the foot -- rather than his punch. Using the idea of hitting to the centerline, it seemed to go relatively well. Having continued this for a few turns, I decided to go a bit further and asked my partner to throw his punch from either hand [usually the punch is thrown from the rear hand - the hand farthest from the defender]. My reasoning was that a rear-hand punch takes too long to reach me and gives far more visual cues than I would otherwise have received from, for example, a jab or a backfist.

Although I asked him to throw his punch from either hand, he continued to throw the rear hand. I didn't take much notice of this at the time although hindsight brings clarity to the issue [or further distortion, I suppose]. We continued on for a few more turns, alternating between attack and defense, attack and defense. As our time as partners in the exercise was coming to an end, I suppose my concentration began to dissipate [note my state of diminished physical and mental capacity as described above]; when it came time for me to take the role of defender, I made a small error with relatively large consequences...

Giving "the nod" to my partner that signalled him to attack, I turned to avoid the punch thrown from his right hand and stepped in. While stepping in, I launched my counterattack as follows: step in with right foot, turning with the momentum of the step and send out a right elbow to the jaw. Now, we are taught in this school not to actually make contact with the strikes that we throw. This time, however, my elbow had other intentions. The fleshy "thok!" sound that reverberated from his jaw throughout the immediate area communicated my mistake to his mind and mine. My elbow had contacted his face in the frontal upper jaw region, leaving the imprint of three of his teeth as bruised lacerations on the inside of his left cheek. All things considered, there was more surprise than blood, but after my profuse apologies, he said something that stuck in my mind: "nonono, it's ok... you woke me up."

You woke me up. Of course most of the numerous implications of that statement will live out their entire lives as vague notions in my mind, never anywhere near my wounded "sparring" partner's meaning. I suppose the less exhaustive way of summing up my reaction to his statement is to respond with a question -- my friend, what did I wake you up from?

Me gusta esta poema:

'Twas the evening of Samhain, and all through the place were pagans preparing the ritual space.
The candles were set in the corners with care,
in hopes that the Watchtowers soon would be there.
We all had our robes on (as is habitual) and had just settled down and were starting our ritual when out on the porch there arose such a chorus...

That we went to the door, and waiting there for us
were children in costumes of various kinds
with visions of chocolate bright in their minds.
In all of our workings, we'd almost forgot, but we had purchased candy(we'd purchased a LOT),
And so, as they flocked from all over the street,
they all got some chocolate or something else sweet.

We didn't think twice of delaying our rite,
Kids just don't have this much fun every night.
For hours they came, with the time-honored schtick of giving a choice: a treat or a trick.

As is proper, the parents were there for the games, Watching the children and calling their names.

"On Vader, On Leia,
On Dexter and DeeDee,
On Xena, on Buffy,
Casper and Tweety!
To the block of apartments on the neighboring road; You'll get so much candy, you'll have to be TOWED!"

The volume of children eventually dropped,
and as it grew darker, it finally stopped.
But as we prepared to return to our rite,
One child more stepped out of the night.
She couldn't have been more than twelve or
thirteen. Her hair was deep red, and her robe, forest green with a simple gold cord tying off at the waist. She'd a staff in her hand and
a smile on her face. No make-up, nor mask, or accompanying kitsch, so we asked who she was; she replied "I'm a witch. And no, I don't fly
through the sky on my broom; I only use that thing for cleaning my room. My magical powers aren't really that neat, but I won't threaten tricks; I'll just ask for a treat."

We found it refreshing, so we gave incense cones,
A candle, a crystal, a few other stones,
And the rest of the candy (which might fill a van). She turned to her father (a man dressed as Pan) and laughed, "Yes, I know, Dad, it's past
time for bed," and started to leave, but she first turned and said...

"I'm sorry for further delaying your rite.
Blessed Samhain to all, and a magical night."

By Cathor Steincamp

so i ask myself: what happened to october?

i seem to have slept through it.

but dj skribble has been rocking my aureality for the past couple of weeks, so it's not so bad at the moment.

album: essential spring break - summer 2001 - tracks 02,04,05,06,07,15

dot mp3.

I was reading a NY Times book review on The User Illusion, a book that deals with the human perception of reality versus the scientific interpretation of consciousness.

Then I realized something -- Neo in The Matrix was seeing in binary. Which also means that Neo, in real life, must have been an absolute genius. Or was he just seeing objects as they were represented using the concept of binary representation instead of actually seeing every single element in binary?

Binary Enlightenment.

A person would also probably have to spend the vast majority of his life surrounded by machine code in order to form such an intimate understanding of it... but humans generally don't write machine code because it would be incredibly inefficient. I've written some assembly back when I used to dabble in Hex editors and a certain primitive command-line operating system, but I've only written binary in the simplest of ways. If Neo was that incredibly talented, I doubt that he'd be doing something so extremely mundane as anonymously writing code at a software company.

I'm no genius, but I know that working as a suit is one of the lowest forms of life... especially if

a] your job involved infinite repetitions of similar tasks, variable only within the amount of pressure swelling in your head at the moment -- from your "manager" breathing down your neck or the quarterly estimates, projections, blah blah blah;

or

b] you are mildly intelligent and have to spend significant amounts of time explaining what you do to people who are incapable of comprehending except for the occasional "wait... that's not even English!" [right, genius, they call that H-T-M-L...]

alas. I must continue to wait for technosatori. I actually think I'd prefer the plain old meatspace version, to be honest.

Besides, isn't the concept of enlightenment useless if you can control everything around you? If existence is entirely within your grasp to change, reform and destroy at the slightest whim, the ephemerality of the five skandhas dissolves into one big game of binary Logos. Neo, as a human being, would quickly be corrupted by this videogame omniscience and even worse, incredibly bored. At least I know I would. Running isn't nearly as much fun if the tiger giving chase can't really eat you.

I remember the first open-style "ka-ra-tey" tournament that I went to; it was alot of fun although the format was a little different than what I was used to.

One of the more memorable aspects was that every tough-looking guy I walked past grunted this obstreperous "oooos!" at me. Not knowing any better, I would bow slightly, smile and hesitantly say "hi, how's it going?" After a while, however, it seemed kind of strange that people were grunting this guttural sound in my direction.

As I was competing from the perspective of a Korean style at the time, I wondered what all that noise was about. It turns out that "oooos" is an American bastardization of the term "Osu" in Japanese.

An interesting and quite amusing article regarding "oooos!" versus "osu" is here.

hehe. Osu!

So I've been considering a return to the academic pursuit of philosophy....

A couple of years ago, when I was in school for about a year at a private university [before I left due to lack of funds], I had taken an introductory philosophy course. The class was introduced to the standard low-level programming about Western philosophy, looking briefly at Kant, DeCarte, Hume, etc. I wasn't particularly impressed although I had originally taken the course because of an urge to understand this whole "life" idea. Something in my mind has been churning since I was around thirteen years old regarding the nature of things, and I have been unable to steer my interests away from this chafing curiousity. Having rejected the idea of blind, comforting God-worship, I began to look into other ways of understanding "the real".

I have spent considerable time studying Eastern philosophies and religions, focusing particularly on Taoist philosophy [not religion] and Zen. While these studies have led me to a deeper understanding of the philosophical underpinnings of many martial arts disciplines and a general enrichment of personal knowledge, I have also come to realize that although there is a myriad of belief systems that serve to allay fear of death, none of them satisfactorily prove that they have solved the problem of what comes next. Toss a coin, pick a religion, you will be saved if you really really mean it.

Since I seem to have this implacable desire to destroy absolute belief systems and assert rationality over the warm inclusiveness of faith and church, I suppose that I will be stuck with philosophy whether I like it or not. Unless, of course, I succumb to that race for "security" as most people seem to do once they hit twenty-five. Luckily, I have yet to find that perfect wo/man that I can't possibly live without [and right now, I am definitely not interested in the traditional human mating rituals that most people gladly submit to while cursing them under their breath]. Until that happens, I will be looking for, at the very least, a more intelligent approach to human understanding than "praise God, for I have no means of disproving the existence of an absolute power". Unfortunately, without the possibility of disproving its existence, how is it possible to prove that same entity does exist?

A conversation with "the Deist" in my mind:

Deist: just look around you.
Me: Yes, and?

D: [beaming proudly, full of "faith"] these are all manifestations of God's love.
M: I'm sorry, where?
D: Everywhere. Open your heart and it will come to you.
M: Ok, my heart is open... beautiful trees... nourishing oxygen... hey look, there's a bird in that tree over there... so where's God?
D: um, uh. You have to look within yourself.
M: Yes, I've been doing that. So, let's make sure that the big man in the sky really exists. [In a commanding yet plaintive tone] God of all things, or God of the Sky, or God of Nature, or Attendant Spirit of the Trees, manifest your greatness and place an apple in my hand so that I may believe in your Eminent Glory.

[Two full minutes pass. Nothing happens. The Deist shakes his/her head in disapproval of my incredibly skeptical show of curiosity.]

M: Gee. That was fun.

[I walk away unconvinced, enjoying the swishing sound of the leaves against the wind and the faint scent of pine in the air.]

If human understanding is based on the concept of causal relationships, why would I bother myself with this idea of "God that is nowhere, but is everywhere"? A starving man cannot appeal to God for food with any guarantee of success, so why would I trust a myth for "salvation" from demons that are equally fabricated?

And this is just one question that I have...

As long as these questions refuse to leave my mind without imposing limitations on my curiosity and desire for learning, I suppose that it is best to entertain them. Further, I have found many of the understandings that I have reached in my personal studies have been found already. Why not use a systematic approach in order to make this whole process more efficient? And as a side benefit, a major in philosophy can be used as a boost in the pursuit of other disciplines. The cognitive benefits are self-evident -- a friend of mine reminded me one day that philosophy "teaches you how to think".

Sounds good to me.

I seem to have gone temporarily colorblind while creating this layout. but I just found inspiration. again.

simplica, version 2. online.

Lament: ah, petitio prinicipii.

something that i've been thinking about recently...

as i sit here studying for an economics midterm and listening to thievery corporation in my headphones, i realize that much of the personal satisfaction that i derive from life has come from martial arts. nothing new there, but my inquiry goes deeper now, into the motivation that drives the satisfaction itself. i believe that satisfaction, in a large part, is a result of the focused effort that was poured into the creative act.

if a look is taken back to earlier times in history, there were very few of the technological advances that most people take for granted today [in the more "well-developed" countries, anyway]. yet it seems that people managed to content themselves with their relatively meager amounts of material goods and comparatively primitive technologies. i think that this was largely due to the sense of satisfaction that can be gained from everyday accomplishments. such accomplishments could include everything from sewing one's own clothing to raising subsistence livestock and crops.

many of these fundamental aspects of life are being commoditized and compartmentalized in the name of efficiency. as time passes, most people spend approximately three-fourths of their waking lives playing the role of "tool" in a larger economic context. most people are parts of a whole, whether it be as a graphic designer in an advertising agency or a retail clerk at YellowRatBastard. the standard nine-to-five work timeframe allows for very little other than focused attention to the task that the worker-human has been given to fulfill.

the problem: as the economy becomes more efficient at divvying up people's specialties and aptitudes in order to channel them into maximized productivity, there is less need for each individual to take care of the "small things", the responsibilities and necessities that previously characterized human life. want a pizza? call domino's [although i prefer pizza hut]. want a pair of pants? go to [insert store name here]. want to fix just about anything in your house or your life? no, don't do it yourself, call a "professional" or take a pill.

as time passes, everything becomes the exclusive responsibility of a profession, with its attendant experts... less and less of life is enjoyed by creating the result for yourself. the trend increasingly moves toward the enjoyment of life by admiring the handiwork of someone else. television is one of the most pervasive media forms in society today, yet it is also one of the most passive. all too often, i speak to aimless young people whose sole aim is to "life day by day" instead of setting goals and using their creative power to strengthen their resolve toward achieve their dreams. instead, their main form of recreation is shopping, smoking weed, gossip about pop culture, etc. in other words, endless reception rather than creative production. i see that in myself as well, although i have consciously weaned myself off of passive media towards more stimulating outlets of mind and body.

i have seen this trend towards "couch-potato mentality" as an intellectual and physical epidemic in the modern world, and i believe that it has discontent as a key manifestation.

most people spend much of their time receiving the fruits of someone else's labor, but how often do they reap the reward of their own efforts? i would say that this feedback loop is inevitable; if nothing is done that is worthy of elevated self-confidence, that psychological reward is lost. there are actually two cognitive forces at work here:

a. inevitable result -- if action is taken, there is an positive output; likewise, if no action is taken, there is a negative output.

b. if you are not moving forward, you are moving backward -- this can be likened to the atrophy of unused muscle, or the loss of specialized motor skills due to disuse. there is no such thing as happiness just for the sake of it; the question to ask here is how can i make myself happy?

notice that these concepts are quite distinct from the idea of how can i better amuse myself? to be amused by something is to be acted upon by an outside force, whereas to involve oneself in the act of creation is to by immersed in the act itself. the feeling of amusement is dependent upon the external stimulus, thus there is a vacuum created in its absence. the experience is similar to the effect of a sedative or a narcotic -- in other words, without the quick fix, there is a sensation of emptiness, boredom or inadequacy. you are no longer having "fun".

on the other hand, the immersion of the self in the act of creating is something entirely different. any time there is a sense of creation, a feeling of "i did this" or "this act has manifested itself through my creative expression", there is an elevated sense of satisfaction. at the least, my experience has been that of a job well done. at its most satisfying, i feel as if i have come to understand a facet of myself much more deeply than before. in the latter case, i experience a lasting personal fulfillment and a sense of deepened self-understanding. this, to me, is the experience of something real.

it's all about occam's razor -- the concept of focusing one's thinking on the most essential elements, at the same time using a figurative razor to cut away unuseful ideas. and, of course, how to implement that elusive sense of focus.

From here:

Sifu would often say, "Life is like a grindstone: either it wears you down or it will polish you into a fine jewel."

the sig stealer says:

Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.

Yet another sign that the world is ending:

today's date is a palindrome!

10.02.2001

10022001

10.02.20.01

1002/2001

it's so scary.... i might jump off a bridge. or something. i wonder what nostradamus has to say about this?

;)

The Price is Worth It

... This reflects the work of a superb propaganda system. The U.S. government finding the mass death of Iraqi children "worth it," the media push the fate of these "unworthy victims" into the black hole, thereby allowing that policy to be continued without impediment. With the United States itself a victim of terrorism, here the reverse process ensues: with these ultra-worthy victims, the media feature their suffering and deaths intensively and are not interested in root causes, but only in "who" did it; they beat the war drums incessantly and push to the forefront the most regressive forces in the country, making violence and repression the probable outcome of their efforts. But they will sell papers, get larger audiences, support the "national interest," and prove to the rightwing that they are real Americans.

"I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else."
-- Marilyn Monroe

As I sit here reading that Marilyn Monroe had six toes, and then that she didn't, I can't help but think, yeah, she was mad cute. But at the same time, I have to wonder two other things:

1. How many potential "media idols" are there in the world who just don't have the chance to get in front of a camera?

2. What is it about stardom that has this bad habit of killing people?

Rhetoricals... I mean, Marilyn Monroe started out as an assembly line worker who was discovered by accident by magazine photographer David Conover. And nowadays, so many women hide behind makeup and expensive clothes that it's hard to tell who looks good under all the gunk on their faces, crash diets and silicone "enhancements".


Why can't beauty just be beauty?

i used to be interested in eastern medicine.

at one point in time, i had considered a career in medicine, arriving at that idea through exploration of physical fitness and holistic health. when i was younger, i practiced a bit of tai chi [admittedly from a television series that aired at the time, but better than nothing]. sometimes while practicing my tai chi along with the tv show I would feel a deep sense of relaxation and a heaviness in my limbs. along with the gentle voice of the "teacher" explaining the concept of chi and how tai chi enhances chi flow, i naturally came to the assumption that "this must be my chi"...

as time passed, i fell out of the habit, but some of the subtle postural aspects remained. for example, while standing, i would often unintentionally raise the heel of my left foot and place most of my weight on the right leg with the knee slightly bent -- as i had been instructed was the proper "ready" stance in tai chi. my curiosity has stayed with me over time, even as i practiced other martial arts.

at present i have somehow managed to survive my teen years and in the process gained at least a rudimentary understanding of the human body through my favorite hobby as an ueshiba-lee-miyamoto-ali imitator. because of this, i understand the importance of training each aspect of a potentially precarious movement to ensure maximal protection from injuring oneself. it is difficult to imagine me going at my present pace as i age without a particular awareness of physical limitations, in terms of age, range of motion, flexibility, and strength of the body's major joint structures. in my readings i came across some of the principles behind tai chi and the "soft/internal" chinese martial arts, whose main emphases are: a] fighting, b] health, c] development of the self. all of the emphases can be pursued in tandem, but the original movements are, after all, rooted in combat modalities. one can choose to become a true "kung fu man" with the integration of all of the parts into a whole being, or the focus can lie mainly [or totally] in the pursuit of fighting skill, or health. tai chi can be practiced slowly, with great deliberation placed upon each movement, or it can be practiced with speed and destructive intent as it is done in some "harder/external" styles, like san shou or western boxing.

as far as my desire regarding the martial arts is concerned, in the vein that i have endeavored to follow in this line of thinking, i consider postural and health-related benefits to be of primary importance. after all, i'm twenty now; i can kick and punch with speed, power and accuracy. will the same be true in thirty years, when i am at the age of "knowing my destiny"? this is why i look for a more comprehensive thought process when researching the foundations of an art. health is of primary importance, because an art isn't very effective if you practice for five years, and then your body starts to creak and groan due to the discomfort of your forced efforts. for the first year or so of tae kwon do, my hips in particular were quite unhappy with my best attempts to "get my leg up there" and throw those beautiful, powerful kicking techniques...

one time while training in the college dorms during my first university experience, i managed to kick the dresser that was sitting next to me while i was practicing my crescent kicks. my toe immediately bled and bruised and throbbed, although i just saw it as part of the game. training happens, injuries happen. eventually the toe healed and i continued with my training. but about a year later, i suffered from what seemed to be a recurrence of the old injury. possibly a hairline fracture that had not healed properly? that ended up not being the case, but nonetheless, the podiatrist became a good friend during that limp-and-hobble period -- i had the opportunity to see him quite often. the podiatrist... a practitioner of western medicine, specializing in the feet.

allopathic? homeopathic? alternative? complementary? integrative?

for some reason, possibly my childhood struggles with asthma and the steep price of medication over the years, i have developed a rather investigative attitude regarding health, the body and particularly methods to treat the body that are not restricted to treating symptoms when they occur. the western medical concept of "health care" seems to be more like "sickness care" to me. after all, a person need not necessarily be sick in order to not be 'healthy'. similarly, a person who is not the stereotypical "buffed stud" that is a fixture in the media may also be perfectly healthy. and a skinny, lethargic person may be of the "ideal" image but feels a lack of energy, is always catching colds, and is generally a bloody mess... constantly monitoring for problems is a great way for doctors and pharmaceutical companies to make money, but a sadly inefficient way for people to stay in health and good spirits. for example, hospitalizing a person for asthma rather than teaching them breathing techniques and educating them about possible triggers for asthma attacks is, in my experience, an utterly inadequate way to treat a chronic disease. having taken a peek at these "esoteric" traditions of the "oriental masters", etc. i came upon the entirely "natural" practices of both exercise and medicine as a way to not only intervene in case of sickness, but more importantly to assist in the maintenance of health. this sounded like a perfect match for my discontent with the western medical system.

as i looked deeper into the eyes of this wise eastern dragon whose fire, when breathed would cleanse all ills and grant longer, disease-free life spans, i came to see that the eastern ways of health promised all manners of things, including the relief from chronic asthma. in particular, two disciplines, called nei kung [see a previous post below] and chi kung [a derivation of nei kung, at least according to master c.k. chu] caught my eye. it is also worth mentioning that nei kung is the postural foundation for tai chi.

there are fundamental problems with the claims made by this sort of training, which actually are the same reason why the eastern medical concept is so enticing. one of these flaws is the partiality of testimonials and first-hand accounts. very often, the only voices that one will hear regarding the "alternative medicines" is the positive ones, who have undergone near-miraculous recoveries and improvements due to their experiences... far less does one hear the non-congratulatory accounts of failure and disappointment. as one source that i read says [and i paraphrase heavily], "for every one successful story that is told, there may be a hundred that are not successful but are never divulged."

another problem with the eastern traditions in particular is that they are based on the metaphysical concept of "chi". the same reason that chi is so compelling [thousands of years of 'proof' throughout chinese history, the complex and seemingly authentic mappings of chi meridians and accupuncture points throughout the body, etc.] is the very reason that it has become unconvincing to me of late. chi mysteriously cannot be measured by western science; it has never been conclusively found or studied. various ideas expressed in eastern medicine have been translated into the western understanding [for example, the accupuncture points sometimes correspond to nerve stimulation, causing temporary pain relief], but i find it quite perplexing that western science has been studying the body for over two hundred years and has not found this pervasive guiding force that supposedly sustains all life. how is it that eastern medicine has found the keys to healthy, long life, when the eastern health sciences are not based on actually looking inside the body to see what makes it work?

the one undeniable benefit that i see from the practice of tcm [traditional chinese medicine] is the emphasis on the role of the mind in the healing process. this is also a focus in the martial arts, as training the mind is every bit as important as training the body -- indeed, many schools of thought in martial arts circles consider mind training to be the most important aspect of training in the fighting arts. the pursuit of the mind translates to everyday health in ways that have yet to be even scratched behind the ears by western understanding [stereotypically speaking]. in the interim between deciding whether integrative medicine is a viable career choice for me to sink my teeth into, i suppose that i will be content to study the eastern manner of thought from a synthetic perspective -- that is, i will look for reason why eastern methods work from within the analytical, dissective context of a critical mind. no mumbo allowed. not that i haven't read the tao te ching five hundred times, but taoist philosophy and yin-yang theory alone are not sufficient for me to propone a system for within there is very little theoretical substantiation as a physically reliable system. the mind and body are fascinating, and i would like to find out exactly where the concept of 'chi' lies in relation to connection and integration of thought with reality. wherein lies the interface, and to what extent does a human being feel his state of mind?

anyway, good night and good luck for tomorrow. stay calm, relaxed, focused, but take care not to fix the gaze to far into the future. now is where it all happens.

Caloric intake restriction is good for health.

Excerpt: Roy Walford, professor emeritus of pathology at the University of California, Los Angeles, has made headlines with a plan he calls CRON -- Calorie Restriction with Optimal Nutrition. Walford, who's been using animals to research weight loss and health since the 1960s, has suggested that people could live 120 years or longer if they maintain a weight that varies from 10 percent to 25 percent below their "set points," or the weight to which the body naturally gravitates.

Patriotism is for Ignorant People.

Well, when you put it that way....

In this case, his perspective is something that I agree with, although I hadn't thought of it that way before.

What is "Natural?

From the Skeptic's Dictionary.

@a=(Lbzjoftt,Inqbujfodf,
Hvcsjt); $b="Lbssz Wbmm"
;$b =~ y/b-z/a-z/ ; $c =
" Tif ". @a ." hsfbu wj"
."suvft pg b qsphsbnnfs"
. ":\n";$c =~y/b-y/a-z/;
print"\n\n$c ";for($i=0;
$i<@a; $i++) { $a[$i] =~
y/b-y/a-z/;if($a[$i]eq$a
[-1]){print"and $a[$i]."
;}else{ print"$a[$i], ";
}}print"\n\t\t--$b\n\n";

lol

My eyes are bugging out.

Jeremy Glick: CRM Specialist Who Became a Hero

I've been sitting here reading Bushido Shoshinshu.

The story of a man who, with the help of 'three or four other passengers', sacrificed his life for untold numbers of others in an act that disregarded his own instinct for survival, seems to be one of the greatest fulfillments of the potential that lies within every human being. Humans may be a "thinking reed", but some find it within themselves to go farther than others. Very few are strong enough, but one day I hope that I will be able to count myself as one of those.

Question: How does one go about finding the understanding to make such decisions?

Oh well, back to reading.

The End of Push-Button War

A perspective on the disconnection of the American people from the truth of war [violence and death] and the effect of the WTC destruction on people's "videogame" mindset in regard to acts of war against others.

What do I think? Common sense is not so common. Complacency is much easier than vigilance, and human beings are generally lazy unless reacting to a sensation of immediate pain. It is far easier to become set in one's ways than it is to find understanding. The question lies here: how deep does this pain run in the "average American" mind?

I wonder about how numb we have actually become to the fact that suffering is just as natural as happiness and that neither takes precedence except in our own minds. In this case, "natural" means that this kind of thing happens all the time; the United States is as much a perpetrator as it is a victim. The only way to find a conclusive solution to this problem is to destroy the motivating forces behind the actions of those involved. Those who do not fear death have nothing to lose but the reason to die. And where there is one martyr, there are potentially thousands.

A Relatively Balanced View of the African Slave Trade.

Something that I found interesting [it was also the validation of an old "I know I've read this somewhere before" thought process]:

It is important to distinguish between European slavery and African slavery. In most cases, slavery systems in Africa were more like indentured servitude in that the slaves retained some rights and children born to slaves were generally born free. The slaves could be released from servitude and join a family clan. In contrast, European slaves were chattel, or property, who were stripped of their rights. The cycle of slavery was perpetual; children of slaves would, by default, also be slaves.

Note to Future self: Dont' forget to reread the rest.

Extractions from this page:

Gandhi was once asked, "what do you think of Western civilization?"
He replied, "I think that would be nice."

" 'There are no atheists in foxholes' isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes." -James Morrow

"If it isn't broken, let's take it apart and see why not." -Unknown

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop." -Lewis Carrol, from Alice in Wonderland

An interesting comment from a discussion on Slashdot re: the WTC destruction on Monday:

You don't kill terrorists to punish them, you kill them to get rid of them! The more terrorists you kill, the less terrorism there will be. Duh!

You're right! That tactic worked so well for Isreal, they've run out of terrorists to kill!
Dumbass.

I agree with the response [shown in bold]. The rest of the discussion [linked above] is interesting too. The answer does not lie within indiscriminate killing.

a report from CNN.com

ok.

The World Trade Center.

Has exploded in flames. And crumbled to the ground. Terrorist attack, two passenger airplanes, both towers.

If you looked downtown from midtown on Lexington Ave., there was a massive, dense cloud of black smoke hovering over the horizon...

The Pentagon was hit too.

Passenger airplanes, man.... damn.

Sitting comfortably in my seat on the train, I overheard an anonymous female voice repeating incredulously, "a plane crashed into the World Trade Center?" Speaking into her cell phone, she repeated the words that would form the dominating thought for the rest of my day. Although curious, I was not all that surprised. The interesting part was when the word "terrorist" was mentioned. And upon reaching the school, a television monitor in the lobby on campus revealed that another plane had been hijacked and crashed into one side of the Pentagon. From street level, I saw a tremendous cloud of ashen smoke sitting on the horizon from my view between the buildings lining Lexington Avenue. I just hope that those who died did so quickly and with as little suffering as possible.

Now we'll see how well our favorite monkey responds to the situation.

I've been thinking of taking up nei kung.

It's interesting that I can almost get a sense of who that person is by reading her writing. Clear, unaffected, she doesn't use a style but it is very distinct regardless.

Clear
unaffected
feeling

feeling.

Interesting words from an Interesting Source:

In the 1600's the world was believed to be flat. This opinion was common knowledge supported by both society and the Pope. It was not until Galileo came along and proved the world was round. Because of this he almost lost his life through torture until he renounced his statement. Just because society believes that something is common knowledge does not make it true. Only a fool would site common knowledge as a basis of validating a statement.

-- Thomas Guzman-Sanchez

Thoughts on the criminalizing of drugs [namely e, as seen through the example of alcohol prohibition]

Inspiration: nocturnal wonderland and the mess that came after

via David Oh // Cynicworld

In the first place, drugs used for recreation are considered to be the embodiment of "rebellion" for many people. This alone draws significant attention to the process of obtaining and using these drugs.

As time goes by, if these drugs are seen to have negative effects on their constituents [more importantly, if there are large enough numbers of people taking this drugs for it to create a significant divergence from the US government tax flow] and are being taken in large enough numbers to cause concern within the general public, the subject of litigation is quickly considered.

The ensuing regulations, aimed at staunching the "trafficking" of the newly-illegal substance, Instead create a heightened sense of exoticism and rebellion in those most prone to its use [and abuse]. Because of this, the effect of legislation is that instead of destroying the means of distribution, laws banning the drug simply make it harder to get by the average person. The dedicated ones, the people most likely to provide a steady source of income for the dealer, are not deterred. Rather, they are only more desperate to obtain that which is the chosen source of their intoxication. This creates an increase in the value of the drug in the eyes of its consumers, and resultingly makes the peddling of the drug more profitable to those who control those limited distribution channels. Because of the tighter restrictions on distribution and the ensuing increased competition for the ability to sell the drugs, eventually an underground system forms in order to meet the demand of its constituents. This, generally speaking, consists of coersion, gang involvment, murder and a general "gold rush" attitude [criminal or otherwise] for those who have a forte in strong-arm commercial tactics.

The real solution has nothing to do with the law. The only way in a society that encourages capitalism as an economic value system is to subvert the attraction for the drug itself -- to make it "unfashionable", so to speak. If legalized and controlled, the feverish desire for the drug will inevitably wane and become just another part of the social landscape. In the case of an element that has commercial value, litigation is never the answer. Societal change is the only way to truly overcome the attraction [demand] and trafficking [distribution], eventually slowing the profitability in creating the drug itself [supply].

Fighting drugs with laws doesn't work. People will make their choices regardless of the law, because the supply will always be there, and so will peddlers of the substance. The only way to fight drugs is by educating people so that they can make intelligent choices [or social stigmas against use of the drug].

I've spent the past week in and out of classes, book stores and the accompanying trains, buses, etc.... there is definitely some culture shock in coming back to school.

I've been out of the whole "school kid/trendy/who's cool and who's not" feedback loop for a looong time... almost three years. Having written that, it begins to make more sense that I would be a bit nonplussed about the whole social situation. Still, though, it is quite a strange experience to walk among your age-peers and think about how irrelevant alot of what they say and do really is. I mean, I've never been one for aimless chat and posing with "the cool people" just to be seen with the right clique, but now I find all of that more than a little distasteful and strange... almost as if these people actually feel that their lives are important in a larger social context.

Perhaps the greatest cognitive gift that I have received over the past few years out of school and working [for the most part] full time is that I realized something earth-shaking:

My life is only the most important thing it the world to me. In other words, no one else can validate or invalidate my experience.

Of course, those with whom I find a common general experience [friends and associates] will most likely have somewhat of an influence on my understanding of things because I know that they have an adequate means of comparing their perspectives with mine. But on the whole, I find no reason to allow someone with whom I share no common point of reference to give me the slightest pause in carrying out the expression of my self. For example, that super-trendy girly girl that flounces down the hall opposite to me and sizes me up like a hunk of well-seasoned steak is interesting to my hormones, but not to my mind. I wouldn't waste a moment's thought to consider why she thought I was attractive or what it would take to keep her thinking about me... perhaps that is why talking aimlessly is not a high priority for me. Often there is nothing to say to someone who has little more in their heads than "is there lipstick on my teeth?" And in some ways, that applies to the testosterone-crazed, forever pissed-at-something male "youth" of which I am supposedly a contemporary.

My contention here is not with "superiority" versus "inferiority" but rather more a question of the optimal use of one's time. The problem is finding the few people who actually share my interests in a way that I find meaningful. Hm... is there any way to talk about martial arts, web design, philosophy, psychology, Japanese language and culture, computer programming or martial arts [wait, I mentioned that already] that will make people think that I am the coolest, funnest person they have ever met?

Ha!

The answer is that when I find people who share my interests, I feel both interesting and interested. Case in point: I have a friend who is a computer science/philosophy major with whom I can have conversation for a day at a time and feel entirely satisified in the interaction. And yet, the vacuous self-importance proudly displayed by the majority of my age group gives me the urge to beat someone. To make them bleed, wake them up a bit. Give them a taste of what makes life more than a dull insular process. Don't just try to be safe and happy. Do something... who cares if you die if you've truly tasted what it means to live, even if only for a moment's time?

Flipside: how do I know that I'm not the one who's sleeping?



And with that, I take my leave to shower and eat.

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running
around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."

-- Source Unknown

Overcoming Rejection; a look at successful people who were told repeatedly that their talents were worthless.

Unfortunately, there are more than enough self-righteous "I am always right" types who would see themselves as being that much more right.

But it is a very interesting read. The article also unintentionally gives an insight into the roles that other people play in the formation of self-identity.

Writing Perl like a madman since I left my job as a desk-jockey. To go back to school, of course.

There is more, but I will keep a lid on it for the moment... plus the redesign of the blog is coming soon, so I need to rest up for tomorrow. I have three classes to attend[!]

:)

I think I'm going to start link-whoring myself. Actually, no. I won't ask people to link me, I will ask them to just read my blog if they feel like it and post/email a comment when they feel like it. Internet fame is just like real fame; all it guarantees is that alot of stupid people are looking at you. And more often than not, the intelligent people [my definition of intelligence is not the standard one] are looking elsewhere, because you have had to descend so far into "stupidity" that they have long since becomed uninterested in your very existence.

In thinking of introducing myself to the world, I've also thought about coming out from behind the shroud of anonymity. I would like for other people online to know me as a friend just as I would like for my friends offline to know me.

The principle is thus:

Offline, people keep up with me via telephone convesation, bumping into me on the street and saying hello, stopping by the apartment unexpectedly, plus the methods that my online friends use. We make a semi-regular habit of meeting up and doing things that are in or out of the ordinary.

Online, people keep up with me and what I'm thinking by checking my web page. We interact through email, messaging software, maybe a webcam, etc. In essence, a disembodied conversation. And if my online friends are physically near me or want to meet up, we can make arrangements for realtime interaction.

Nowhere in this concept is included the idea of fame, whoring my self to the masses so that my hit counter swells to egotistical proportions [indeed, I don't even have a hit counter], creating pressure within myself to write consumer-friendly content, or even the necessity of writing at all. This blog is very much like myself in real life: if I don't have anything to say, I don't say anything at all. But if I do have something to say, it will probably take reams-worth of paper for me to properly express my feelings in words, citing examples and external sources to put leaves and hanging fruit onto this tree of knowledge that I am building over time.

I will decided on whether or not to make myself known after I redesign the blog, which should be done soon.

Excerpted from washingtonpost.com; Tale of 47 Samurai Stirs Questions in Modern Japan:

"There's a generation gap," said Takayuki Sugano, who produced the historical series for NHK, the national public television network. "The young generation does not understand loyalty or endurance. So for them, we stressed the element of rebellion."

The ideas expressed in this article have much more significance than they may seem.

Random Thought

After I am dead and gone, I wish not to be remembered as anything more than what I was ...

... although, eventually all things are transformed and forgotten anyway.

An interesting prospective on aging from Mary Lawrence Hutton:

"We have to be able to grow up. Our wrinkles are our medals of the passage of life, they are what we've been through and who we want to be. I don't think I will ever cut my face, because once I cut it I'll never know where I've been."

--Arena Magazine, Spring 1991

... but no, I'm not a communist.

Excerpts from a conversation:

what up dawg
******************
funny funny man

what the deal chief
******************
just trying to do the right thing
is all
******************
the right thing for who?

this is the question that plagues my mind.
******************
society would have us think that 9-5, three meals and a roof, no matter where the roof is,etc ...... is the right thing .... just leave them alone !!!!
******************
But rampant global capitalism as exemplified in the multinational corporate archetype is harmful to indigenous cultures and environmentally unsustainable.

This concept is also antithetical to the human necessity of building a sustainable and mutually beneficial community structure for its participants.

There is a ghost in the machine; the human spirit and understanding the role of the environment in maintaining all life on the earth is the key to creating a future that moves beyond short-term economic gain.

The question is, who's got the balls to start the fire?
******************
if you can find a few thousand folks like yourself the fire can be started ..... when you make some noise folks will take heed even if they don't know what side to take ....... times have changed and they will continue to change .....

Yet another option for my life... I could be a revolutionary.

PS>> You Can't Measure Wealth By Cash Alone.

Human Concepts

Socialism: Utopian and Scientific

I believe that my outlook is beginning to change.

Ishkur must have a lot of time on his hands.

But he got to kiss DJ Rap so... what?

I think the word is Scenester.

From the Underground Source reaction to the Selekta.com article Are You an Anti-Raver?:

I think many kids think of the concept of PLUR as an internal philosophy....Its not really ment to fill all of your life but its ment to be a code of conduct at a rave. The words together were originally used by Frankie Bones after a fight broke out at an early N.Y party. The idea is fairly simple, there are alot of people together in a hot building all night...no fights (peace) be friendly (love) we are all in here together for a good time (unity) don't get in someones way or steal bags on the floor (respect)...

Personally the whole PLUR thing is overused way to much...it was for ravers at raves....the point was not to change the world but to have an escape from it....back in the day people knew that, they didn't want everyone looking in and pointing fingers....if that was the case raves would have started in Time Square during the afternoon....but they started late at night in industrial areas where people couldn't find them.

Seth gets props for that post.

postscript to 7.8.2001:

That entry was inspired by the movie Desperado.

And no, I don't know why.

Philip Humbert:

If you desire unusual success, over the long haul, you will have to get very good at what you do, and that may require lots of time and practice. It may require
persistence, patience, or determination. You may be misunderstood or criticized by those who disagree with your goals. And through it all, you will have to keep going.

I like Toshi.

I first remember hearing Toshinobu Kubota sing "La La La Love Song" somewhere near 1996, but not until somewhere around last year did I come to understand that he is recognized internationally. Soul Bangin is the song of his that most recently landmarks my Kubota thought process, and I was equally impressed with the video as I was with the song [okay, maybe the ratio was 1.5:4 in favor of the song]. But the video was pretty smooth.

It's all about the groovitational field theory.

The Deadly Embrace

This is a term used in computing some years ago to signify a problem between two computer programs. Program A takes exclusive control of record 1, and program B takes record 2. Program A then tries to get exclusive access to record 2, but as this is under exclusive control of the other program, it can't. The program then waits until record 2 is released. Meanwhile, program B tries to get exclusive control of record 1, but can't, as it is under the exclusive control of program A. Program B waits until record 1 is released. Therefore, neither program can make any progress because it is waiting for the other program to give way. A similar situation can occur in discussions if each person is trying to get the other to concede the flaws in his/her argument, without conceding the flaws in his own. The way out of this situation is to look for the points of agreement, rather than trying to spot flaws.

Me, my ego and I have something to say about this. But we can't agree on just what it is.

I was thinking recently about my focus and aspirations. Recently I have found myself craving speed and re-discovered my curiosity about the "art of cornering", a.k.a. sportbikes.

I have long maintained an interesting in racing and sportbikes in general but never seriously persued the idea. Now, however, the fact that I don't own a car and am finally in the process of becoming licenced to drive naturally re-ignited my interest in two wheeled methods of transportation.

having looked around at various options, i realized that i have very little money to spend on things in general and a bike in particular. a sportbike isn't made for everyday use, hauling gear and human cargo from a to b. sportbikes are made for speed and control -- namely, racing. while i would love to spend some time burning up the track, i have a hard time reconciling the price tag associated with it. besides, i already have one extracurricular activity: martial arts.

life for me is a process of self-understanding. i have to repeat this to myself in order to maintain a grasp of my purpose. every now and then technology and materialism overtake my mind and cloud the thoughts that i have been indoctrinating myself with over the past few years. i have dedicated myself to understanding death and impermanence from a human point of view, and all these external trappings are very difficult to resist. i am fascinated by computer programming, procedural logic and making things work; at times it is difficult to separate the knowledge that flows into my mind from the understanding that i aspire to attain.

a few years ago, i conceived of martial arts as the primary means through which i would find, grasp and internalize "reality" in the same vein as the taoist master or the bodhisattva. now i realize that this aspiration is representative of a continuous herculean effort. in this society, even for someone with various sub/cross-cultural influences and minimal interest in the mainstream, i find it difficult not to absorb the insidious tendencies of capitalistic ambition. my interminable curiosity becomes unfocused and diffuse, resulting in too many options and too little time.

the remedy? meditation with focus on certain intrinsic understandings that form my ideological base. of course, the meditation itself consists of looking inward and resolving all internal issues towards emptying the mind, and yet i do believe that there must be a conceptual origin that initiates proper alignment of mind and action throughout the day in which the grasping mind constantly attempts to assert itself. without this rooting of mind, meditation becomes hollow and susceptible to being corrupted into the blithe indulgence of mental chatter.

i must remind myself constantly of my true aim and maintain focus on my true direction.

Is Your Job Your Calling?

PS>> and we'll see about the bike.

human life may be shorter than it appears in the bathroom mirror.

premise: money is a relative measure of the worth of an individual's time at a particular moment.

my current hourly rate is, let's say, $20/hour. Now, this means that for seven of every twenty-four hours of my life [I only work 35 hours per week], my time is worth $20. To simplify a bit, a $20/hour wage for seven of every twenty-four hours of five out of every seven days, or

$20/7/24/5/7

properly stated as

((($20*7)/24)*5)/7

(((140)/24)*5)/7
((5.83)*5)/7
(29.16)/7
=4.16

so for every hour of my life while I am being paid $20/hr for 7/24 of a day for 5/7 of a week, my time is worth $4.16.

because of this, i can say that in this economy, every time I buy something, it has taken xxx number of hours out of my life to attain that thing.

for example, if i want to buy a nice couch for my new apartment, it's going to cost me, let's say, $1500. If I'm making $4.16 every hour of every day (during the time that I have a job that pays me $20/hour), then it will cost me approximately 360 hours of my life (the calculation is 1500/4.16). If I get a better-paying job while I am paying the installments for the couch, then of course the amount of time required will drop. but until then, I will have to spend 15 days of my life working to get my new couch.

if i had a chronic illness like asthma and i had to pay $150 every two months for new inhalers, over a year i would have spent 1.5 days of my life working to pay for medication.

if i had bought a used sportbike for $4000, over a year that would equate to having worked for 40 days of my life.

using this calculation on things like chronic illness, everyday payments and things like that gives me quite a new understanding of the meaning of money. the less money you make, the shorter your life becomes as you continue to spend money.

the concept of saving money is affected as well. while young and healthy, your time may be more valuable than in the future when you've gotten old. therefore, people try to save money while they are young and their time is valuable so that they can spend their amassed "time" [as expressed in saved dollars] later in life when they are not as "valuable". unfortunately, this approach fails to take into account the facts of chance and the impossibility of 'saving' the moment itself to be lived later. thus, money can never be equal to time; this moment is invaluable to a human being and can never be 'saved for later'. how can you save your youth for when you're old?

never put aside the opportunity to do now that which you love in favor of the 'security' of saving for later. if you put a firefly into a jar, it may live for a time, but the fire is gone forever. if it stays in the wild, it may have a shorter life, but the luminescence will be magnificient as a expression of the uninhibited individual truth displayed by that creature in the moment.

find something you love and do it; otherwise, you're just wasting your life away. money is the capitalist expression of the concept, and as such it is a pale comparison to the infinite dimensions of life itself.

except from an overheard conversation at a barbeque two days ago:

"... and so he and I were talking, and that's what he said. of course, he was just a kid, around age eighteen."

"And how old are you, twenty-one?"

...



Age is more a question of perspective than of numbers and "experience". The challenge lies here:

Wisdom and understanding exist according to who's perspective?
Mine, yours, the the grizzled old man with "that look" in his eye?

Age and wisdom are subjective. Therefore, who truly understands? And who, then, does not?

Created on 7.4.2001@11.31.00am, posted now:

I have this concept in mind of creating a story that is a metaphor for a real-life concept that I am dealing with in my own personal experience; what with all of the people and circumstances that would probably prefer not to be directly identified... you know, like the times when someone is standing directly behind you and you are trying to make them feel like there is something that you are explaining to them, and yet you have the desire to be pedagogical in your lesson-giving so you say something entirely clever like "hypothetically speaking..." or "you know, it's funny when people do things like this..." and then you shoot a sly look at the intended recipient of the barb just to make it horribly obvious that 'yes, I was talking about/to you.'

ah, yes... an allegory.

I think this idea could take on a life of its own... and many, if not most, if not all, of these allegorical creations will be centered around the martial arts. i could even do things like explore other styles, ones that i haven't experienced yet through the writing. i've done varying amounts of research on many different types and styles of martial arts, but haven't quite tried to use their minds to interpret the combative idea.

the combative idea refers to the questioning hand of wing chun or the boxing jab or the various guard positions of gracie. all these are manifestations of the first question that i ask myself in a sparring or fighting situation: how to use my body to attain superior position in relation to my opponent? from a superior position, the fight or match can be won. from an inferior position, overcoming the opponent becomes much more difficult, inviting the analogy of running uphill towards the peak from which you look down and see a city lying in the valley -- full of options and crises from which favorable outcome can emerge.

so back to the original concept of writing these allegorical tales from which hopefully i may recontextualize experience and thus gain a fresh insight into things, i believe that there may be two main factors to take into consideration: narrowness of perspective and loss of the actual memory over time. my perspective may remain too narrow if i choose to recast events in my 'favorite' light, the martial arts. the counter to that idea is that giving myself this new set of parameters [the martial arts], or a "new set of eyes", so to speak, regarding my life experience may prove invaluable to the shaping of my interpretive understanding. i may even succeed in segueing my life experience to those of the ancient times in which the tao, the buddha and even the more pragmatic teachings of christ were not so divorced from the everday lives of those who used those ways of thinking to attain self-understanding. possibly this will be able to polish my experience into something a bit less bound my the particular time and circumstance in which the empirical unit of perspective may be revealed.

the other possible drawback that i take into consideration is that i may lose the actual experience itself in the drama and metamorphoric transformations that take place as a result of creative story telling. in taking on the guise of a young monk speaking to old man lao, or the fiery protege engaging in a challenge match to forcibly extract a single pearl of wisdom from the practictioner of a seemingly contradictory style, i may eclipse the perspective from which i see, instead creating a perspective that is a more quixotic or romantic styling of my thought process. i suppose a bit of that "entertainment" mindset is inevitable and i look forward to it, in moderation. i may decided to write the actual experience in stream of consciousness style, and settle into a more practiced groove with the thematic representations of the martial arts as a revelation of the underlying thought processes. who knows, i may even touch the back of my mind within some of these writings. ha ha! wouldn't that be interesting...

we shall see.

audio [now]: Modjo.Chillin

A quick jot:

Never mistake desperation for inspiration.

The one element that brings Snow Crash to the forefront of life's crowded melange of daily repressive machinations:

global skills commoditization.

Is it real? or is it an illusion, a perpetual threat that drives businesses to innovate?

Time is... money?

According to Dr. Braden Allenby, this must be the case due to global industrialization and the value mechanisms that have arisen due to increasing human involvement in the functions and direction of the earth itself. Even nature will be commoditized.

All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned, and man is at last compelled to face with sober senses his real condition of life and his relations with his kind.

Audio: Hooverphonic.The Magnificent Tree

PS> I like Hiro.

Inside/Outside

A Communication Arts article about the creative process, and the role of the audience in the interpretation of creative works.

Audio: Lamb.Gorecki

From Philip Humbert:

The founder of IBM, Thomas Watson, was once asked the secret of success. Without hesitation, he immediately replied, "If you would increase your rate of success, you must first increase your rate of failure."

Elephants can't jump.

Basal Metabolism Counter

How many calories are needed to meet basic daily needs?

For me on Sunday.June 24.2001 --

The Basal Metabolism Results Were Calculated.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Based on Your Individual Criteria:

Input Weight is: 150 in U.S. Pounds
Input Height is: 68 in U.S. Inches
Input Age is: 20
Input Gender is: male

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Metabolism Results Are:

1708.4 calories per day is your Basal Caloric Rate.

This is:
no more then 56.949 grams of fat (30%) for your Basal Caloric Rate
64.068 grams of protein (15%) for your Basal Caloric Rate
234.91 grams of carbohydrate (55%) for your Basal Caloric Rate


2562.7 calories per day recommended for your Active Caloric Rate.

This is:
no more then 85.424 grams of fat (30%) for your Active Caloric Rate
96.102 grams of protein (15%) for your Active Caloric Rate
352.37 grams of carbohydrate (55%) for your Active Caloric Rate


No less then 1208.4 calories per day recommended for safe consistent Weight Loss.

This is:
no more then 40.282 grams of fat (30%) for your Weight Loss Caloric Rate
45.318 grams of protein (15%) for your Weight Loss Caloric Rate
166.16 grams of carbohydrate (55%) for your Weight Loss Caloric Rate

At this safe consistent Weight Loss Caloric Rate, you will lose 1 pound every 7 Days.

Something that amused me about the results was this:

... based on experience, the algorithms used - do NOT work, for those lean young men, who seem to be able to eat forever.

Uh oh ;)

Muhammad Ali --

He is teaching and preaching now. A new poetry, slower, no rhymes, stream of consciousness, deeper meaning.

"Make two hundred thousand a day.
Signing. Hundred dollars a picture
Long lines. Bring in millions of dollars.
I'm not fighting no more
I'll sign for nothin.' Give it to charity.
Get the money, give it to the homeless
Give it to soup lines
If I see someone who needs some
Here's a hundred. Here's fifty.
Soup vendor. Wino. Old woman with varicose veins.
Good deeds. Judgment.
I'm well pleased with you my son. Come into heaven.
That's eternal life. Maann! Maann!
Look at all the buildings in downtown New York.
People built them. They're dead.
Buildings still standing.
You don't own nothin'. Just a trustee.
Think about it. You die.
This life's a test. A test.
Trying to pass the test. I'm tryin.
Warm bodies. Shake hands. Gone.
All dead now. President Kennedy.
Whatever color you are
No matter how much money you have
Politics. Sports. You're gonna die.
Sleep is the brother of death."
Ali closes his eyes. He starts snoring. Reopens his eyes.
"Turn over now. It's morning."

Location : Tokyo : Dispatch 6

flow's idea of software has little to do with computer; they're thinking concrete space, not cyberspace. Buildings and walls are the hardware, and light, sound and network communication make up the software.

*dot.jp

(eneri loves you)

The most painful distance in the world,
is not between the living and the dead,
but it is when you can't see that I love you,
even though I stand right in front of you.

The most painful distance in the world,
is not when you can't see that I love you
it is when two hearts love but cannot be as one.

The most painful distance in the world,
is not when two hearts love, but cannot be as one
but when indifference must be feined, to a distance,
which in truth, binds the two souls together.

Finally, Jet Li decides to make a movie without using wires.

After all this time... and the article states that he is intent on using experienced martial artists for both Kiss of the Dragon and The One, not people who just trained for the movies. Go Jet.

... or rather, one of the many Buddhist understandings.

also, a refreshing Q&A from the Buddhist understanding about sexual energy...

entitled: Sexual Frustration

... and the strange thing about finding this information is that

1. I had just recently heard of Carlos Castaneda, and had been curious about finding more information regarding the man and his philosophies.

2. I was doing a search on Buddhist perspectives on finding a career that is in accord with the desire to help others. I wasn't actually looking for information about Castaneda, nor was I thinking about him. In all the time that I have been researching Buddhism, I have found no reference to Castaneda, Don Juan or Don Genaro... and now, suddenly, here it is.

Very interesting.

Feeling of Death

It's good to look at our opponents as worthy adversaries, as our teachers, and Death as the ultimate teacher. Carlos Castaneda referred to death as an "advisor". Death is the last opponent, which we are never going to defeat forever, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try impeccably. We know we are going to die--along with taxes, death is the one certainty in life--and presumably we know where we want to be spiritually when we die-- enlightened. So we can work back from there and decide how to live our lives to get there. Since we don't know when we are going to die, we need to live each day as though it is going to be our last.

Article from msnbc.com

Title: Crime's Face is Black, Exaggerated
Subtitle: Media depict African American males as criminals, says study

Simplica comment: More evidence that the mainstream news media manipulates information in ways that most people don't even consider...

- Another interesting tidbit:

Furthermore, watching television news can make you believe down is up. Homicides dropped 32.9 percent from 1990 to 1998. But you wouldn’t know it by network news homicide coverage, which jumped 473 percent during the same period, the Building Blocks report found.

The underlying question that I ask myself within all this is:

What is Objectivity?

... and if objectivity exists only in relation to subjectivity, isn't its very existence thereby negated?

re:Pearl Harbor, the movie

Romancing the Republic from The Village Voice

The first well-informed response to that movie that I've read so far. Hm... I need to read the news more.

Ah, right. Also: Mudra is also discussed on the True Buddha School web site [the Tantric Buddhists mentioned below].

And in the context of martial arts, Wayne Muromoto writes an interesting article for Furyu Online.