ten to two.

so much time spent. stranded between the impulse to push through at full speed and the fear of finding a brick wall at the other end. of course, the problem was actually something else.

alternatives are only available to the one who decides. yet, it is all to easy to become distracted by outside events. how can the internal branches of future possibility be explored to the point of reaching an optimal moment of departure into the outside world?

a crow decides to invade squirrels' nests in the trees, malevolent intentions all but spelled out in the echoes of its coarse, dry voice. tropical parakeets, slingshot visions of cacaphonous flourescence as they catapult through the sky, thousands of miles from their ancestors and home environs. a hawk appears one day, imposing its wingspan in a graceful hover, eyes trained on the horizon ahead and ground below, haunting the airspace outside the apartment window...

is there any way to attain absolution for a life spent in search of anything other than happiness? reading, thinking, listening, studying; one element never seemed to maintain coherence in the presence of the others. an invisible population, a third sector, a world where greed didn't make sense as the motive for all other virtues.

elusive, obvious, simple enough to be easily obscured and confused. stepping back from the human world altogether, i look at the potential that ideas have to surround, penetrate and suffocate the mind. at some point, the gaze becomes reflexive and my own toxic beliefs begin to emerge.

the complex interactions of ideas, fears, hidden anxieties and underlying mistaken "truths" begin to reveal themselves. you are what you think about most... the fascinating difference lies in questioning the epistemology itself, deconstructing and reconstructing the unintended consequences that become integral parts of a conditioned response. creative understanding must be built into the core of a belief system, otherwise it will function as justification rather than imagination... and of course, creativity is impossible without comprehension of the limitations inherent in the system itself.

did i just completely misuse the word "epistemology"? hm. anyway, poverty isn't what matters anymore. falsehood doesn't matter. self-destruction is a reactive impulse; it is only a set of symptoms. slowly unravelling, the faultlines converge at the level of feeling, expressed through sensation and movement. at some point, coalesence begins around the shadows of understanding that glide in and out of awareness.

it's taken a long time, but the feeling, that feeling, has begun. and i have no idea where it will take me, or whether i can withstand/survive/become the embodiment of its manifestation.

audio: nitin sawhney . eastern eyes (seiji remix)

after spending about a year in semiseclusion, unfolding a software project from within an otherwise empty head. training harderbettersmarter more than ever. all thats left is muscle, skin, bones and brains.

now, looking back; moving away from the rigid demarcations between day and night, forced intercessions separating work and play. time to become flexible again, forget all the new lessons learned; allow the hard/fun work to melt away and mold itself into a new shape, ghost images of old knowledge blending into the background.

reset and reframe. gravity becomes foundation rather than adversary.

almost two years have passed overall. facing outward, things have changed. clothes haven't changed, hairstyle is the same. what is the difference? something has shifted, realigned itself, and other people are reacting to it in subtle, noticeable ways. interesting what happens when desperation is replaced by a detached curiosity. eyes opening again after staring only forward for so long, mistaking peripheral blindness for inevitable darkness.

in a vague way, it seems that volition is a questioning touch, the non-tactile exploration of a single perceptual intersection amidst a sprawling web of infinite size and texture. inching along that web, more is revealed over time. the key is to interpret that touch, to understand it in a way that allows for as many realities as it is possible to percieve.

and, of course, avoiding the spiders along the way.


audio: telefon tel aviv . what's the use of feet if we haven't got legs

Image of the day: rotund female wearing a backpack with obviously unused
boxing gloves dangling from the clasp.

Thought of the day: I am not a masochist, therefore not an actor, model, office worker, or professional masochist in the dungeon down the street.

Question of the day: Sometimes I wish to be everything that I am not. What aren't you, or rather, what are you not?

Comment of the day: Milk is for cows, but soy is for people. Therefore, humans are vegetables.


Day Two: Yes, No.
Quite some time will pass.


audio: green velvet . la la land (dave clarke rmx)

first blog post this year...

okay.

blogger tells me that i haven't posted since sometime in november 05. can i think back that far? the back of my head is itching suddenly.

perceptions of the past congeal into warped dimensions; twisting reaches of empty space punctuated by blurred lows and anticlimactic highs. high: the memory of an emotional state -- excitement, fear, anger; reaction.

spartan daily routine, empty bank balance, dreams of an unlikely future.
conflict, "self-improvement", "customer satisfaction", marketing jargon.
lamp [linux|apache|mysql|php] programming, 16hours per week of punches, kicks, footwork and locks.

where are my friends?

the dreams edge farther away, needing conscious reinforcement on a daily basis. i repeat my ultimate achievement goals over and over, revising them all the time, thus defeating the purpose of it being "ultimate"... increasingly obvious that these goals are stopgap measures. what reality does the mental imagery strive to obscure, with such grim determination and coercive repetition?

why am i doing this to myself? of course there are reasons. but the answers have been driven by environmental pressures, rather than internal motivations. first principle needs to align with deepest belief. "escape" is not a positive belief, it is a deficit motive based on fear. what is the first step to conquering limitation? problem definition -- defining the worst possible outcome; accepting the possibility as fact; working to improve on that set of circumstances. the "nothing to lose" strategy.

-

the waves are high, the sky is dark, there is a daruma doll bobbing just above the waves. as it reaches the upright position, another wave comes. crashing, heavy and strong, the wave submerges the doll under a rushing confusion of cold suffocation. daruma's face smiles as always, but as he rises to the surface yet again, his carved features are briefly enveloped and illumined at an oblique angle by a thunderous flash of brilliant sheet lightning. the existential contentment that is his only true attitude seems distorted, if only for a moment.

-

no real recovery, yet, from that moment about three years ago. money runs out, patience runs out, time seems to disappear before my eyes. it seems as if i die with my dreams.

oh, the tragedy! the melodrama. laughing at my self seems to be the second most important objective of thought nowadays... a grim laughter, a defiance of circumstances. it will be interesting, though, to see if there is a way out of this cycle of dream-action-confusion-disenchantment.

one way or another, i suppose.

the sword above his head seems so sharp
as he dances in pretend ignorance
only inches below.

a haircut
or a beheading
lies ahead?

audio: miyavi . genki ni naare

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