real power lies in regular expressions
damocles never danced better than beneath the sword. (72)

strange to see people that i like living apparently haphazard lives, and realizing that, to them, my life must seem completely driven by the wind without any particular direction.

an idea has threatened to congeal from the mess of thoughts that continually caroms between the few neurons that are functioning creatively at any given moment. as i take quiet mental note of the fragments that surface, the rest of my mind continues the unconscious pattern-match dance that racks my brain for meaning at all hours of the day and night.

spurred by a few sentences read and then re-read, absorbed and then reblended into a sticky mass of experiences and principles, the throughline of all this conceptual action lies within the idea of selection pressure. i had fallen into the habit of allowing my mind to amble through overgrown fields of unfinished thoughts to search for useful ideas. read a few pages here, search the Web there, download a book here, have a conversation there. everything goes in, only a few bits and pieces survive the struggle to create relevance in my own personal context. i act on what remains, sometimes filing an attractive idea away to be re-fit into the puzzle later as more details emerge, giving flesh and muscle to a skeletal blueprint in the tortoise-vs.-hare race for a uncertain outcome.

in this case, all of this cogitation was geared toward business. money, actually. the pressure is real enough: lack of health insurance; an instinctive flinch reflex at the prospect of life in the corporate gristmill; a desire to live a debt-free life with time to spare.

the question, obviously: how to build a strong business?

the particular words that spurred my approach resonated vaguely with the familiar voices of dawkins and darwin, but were derived from the author's analysis of human motivation in the context of greed and lust for power. the meaning of these words: one of the greatest motivators toward a goal is opposition; surmountable obstacles are the among the most effective galvanizers of purpose. the identity of a nation-state depends on the ideological opposition of its enemies; the consciousness of an individual relies on those things that it can identify as being not-self -- otherness.

as the words sunk in over the next day or so, i decided to put this theory of limitation to the test in my own experience, taking the form of a deadline. now, i am not one for giving everything an arbitrary time-to-live after which there is some equally arbitrary punishment for failure. on the contrary, positive incentive seems to be a far more effective means of inspiration; although goals set in the future are inevitably arbitrary, at least they can be viewed with promise rather than dread. and so the equation was finished as if without a choice in the matter: i was to make one thousand dollars in the span of the next five business days. how? i hadn't the slightest idea.

my plans toward establishing profitability in recent entrepreneurial pursuits have begun to unfold at the pace of an apoplectic snail. time to look for plan b. five days, one thousand dollars. time was my enemy, as always, but in a concentrated form; a mental hyperbaric chamber in which the atmosphere crackled with the collision of ideas rather than oxygen molecules. only the strongest ideas survived the continual battle of one hundred and twenty hours confined in the cerebral cage that was my mind.

strangely though, only late wednesday did the electrical impulses form a perceptible cohesion toward my intended goal; until then, i had allowed my unconscious mind to continue unhindered in its unknowable calculations, preferring that to the headaches and useless frustrations of conventional problem-solving.

at that point, my brain upshifted into conscious action.

thursday morning, noon and evening were nonstop movement, sometimes an uninterrupted flow, searching for the answer. emails to my business pop3 mail account back and forth, phone calls made, terms negotiated. one dead end; another deal almost made, but nixed at the last moment; another deal -- this one apparently sealed and done, money sent -- only to find itself dead on its feet. just more obstacles as i continued onward.

friday afternoon, the last straw, a few hours left, each minute surging past. no breakfast, moving too fast. searching, sifting through mountains of information to find the right questions that will lead me to the right answer[s]. i see darkness but i feel heat, just one step away. i wrestle with the invisible opponent Time, a game of go played with real intentions.

suddenly, there it is.

i find myself inside a virtual trade network, spanning the wired world and encompassing every niche in my target industry. as a legitimate business entity, i have access to hundreds, if not thousands of contacts. the keys are now mine; i am free to accelerate. sitting back, i log out, smile and exhale deeply.

...

no, i didn't make a thousand dollars in a week. but i'll see what i can do in the coming month.

and of course, there's always plan a.

audio: kraftwerk . aerodynamik (alex gopher/etienne de crecy dynamik mix)

first things first

all cockblockery aside...

time to put the dueling sides to rest. i've got work to do.

on the verge. the business idea is starting to reverberate, reaching critical mass.

my skills have been proven to clients... they are prepared to give positive referrals to their colleagues, friends and relevant others.

the first email newsletter is finished... ready to go for monday.

the key now is to complete the illusion -- find a way to emulate the professional aspects of a small consulting firm on a shoestring, garage budget. all of the elements are in place; it is now a question of molding my habits and lifestyle more to meet demand.

that means nine-to-five availability, client comes first. i'm not too keen on the idea of giving myself a nine-to-five, but then i remind myself that in this position, i own. i would rather the world be an egalitarian wonderland, but for the moment, fuck it... that's not the way it is.

ten percent of profits are reserved for giving to non-profits as a way to compensate for this little foray into capitalism. i can only reform the system from the inside, in a very small way. the first goal is self-sufficiency. once i have reached profitability after dealing with living expenses [and taxes], then i can think about using my powers for good rather than evil ;)

the first milestone has been reached in this little experiment. onto the next. when i get there, hopefully i can look back and take stock of things from this perspective, or something similar to it.

audio: tango & ratty . time and space