there was always an 'in' crowd. always a group that set everyone's social expectations in a particular direction. there still is, in a way. i was always pushed toward them, expected to be one of them. nowadays, i still feel that expectation. the difference now is that there is no push within myself to accept or reject. the whole game is just that, neither ominous nor superfluous. it's just there, every time two businessmen meet and shake hands. every time a man meets a woman. even when two people accidentally bump into each other on the street...

tick.

do people not notice that their worlds are defined by unspoken rules, parameters, and boundaries? i see them too clearly, as gears in an antique watch. rather than simply glancing down to check the time, i become mesmerized by the sound of the mechanical teeth interlocking and turning, grinding and sliding against one another in a cyclical procession that marks the moments.

tock.

as much as i try to awaken myself from this feeling, it seems to persist nonetheless. how does a mind reframe itself to become less conscious, less aware? "i trust myself implicitly," he says. and yet, to gain in life may mean accepting the possibility that an intersubjective trust of the self in the world may be of greater importance than an introspective trust within the self as a singular entity.

i am one of billions. saru, do you really think that "you" are that important? equally, do you really believe yourself to be so special or different that humans must be "studied"?

these questions have pat answers. no, and no, are the humble responses.

acculturation is what makes a group of people similar in their approach to the world. and i can't help but see that many of the accepted truths and common sense truisms are neither true nor sensible. so the question remains: how to release this fascination with deconstructing the social landscape in an endless struggle to fashion a map that allows for some degree of control?

i don't know. this fascination seems to be the only reason that i've come this far. and my peers seem to make so many mistakes. in spite of myself, though, so do i. my intention until now was that understanding would accumulate and become effortless... to an extent, this has begun to take shape.

it may be that impatience is the true enemy here, as is so often the case. i can't help but feel that i am running out of time.

egosurfing while redesigning the template.

searched for one of the peeps who are linked from this blog... found this:

Notify Blogger about objectionable content. What does this mean ...

saru gerard reyes · eliza ootsuka · carrie.ellis blog. opera | firefox. selfdestructiveness is not an admirable character trait. ... saru.blogspot.com/ - 11k - Cached - Similar pages

had to laugh. must have been flagged for writing "selfdestructive" or some similar bullshit... anyways, i was about to post something about suicidal intentions, but now i realize that the content police are watching. so i'll write about it anyway...

"be careful who you tell your dreams to!", enthused the super-perky, lean and unusually well-preserved older woman wearing strict executive attire. as she stood behind the teachers' desk in the front of the room, she laid claim to the kind of spectacular career that accompanies type-a personalities and as-seen-on-tv success gurus. not to say that she wasn't good; on the contrary, as she became more animated, the energy level of the entire classroom rose with the volume of her voice and cadence of her gestures. an impressive performance. it has become secondnature for me to look for an angle when someone speaks in front of a crowd, though -- emotions are a tool in the hands of a skillfull orator. as she continued, it became quite clear to see her deftly handle questions from the class, easily brushing aside the ones for which she lacked authoritative-sounding answers.

as she sang the praises of verbalizing dreams, she also mentioned that it is best not to talk to people who will ask for explanation of the imagined rosy future. naturally, i had to take issue with this point, playing devil's advocate by innocently proclaiming that "it can be important to have someone play devil's advocate. for example, if you're not entirely certain of what  you want --" she cut me off with a dismissive wave, stating definitively that "you'll just know" when someone  is being constructive in their criticims, and when they are not. she then went on to invoke the logical fallacy of "us versus them" by denigrating questioners as being jealous for their own failed dreams.

that's about where i stopped listening, and started to be entertained by the spectacle. her audience was now increasing captive, nodding their heads and cooing in awe as she unveiled her brilliant approach -- equal parts the wise storyteller, niche marketer and self-help sloganeer.

it basically boiled down to the standard approach of "write down your dreams and think/talk about them obsessively until you reach your goals". personally, it seems that such an approach works well only if there are absolutely no doubts about the path itself. as a person grows over time, however, when can this non-questioning mindset ever be the case? and how is this distinguishable from the blindness of a onetrack mind...

this may be my downfall, however. in being too wary of hubris and missed opportunity, it is far too easy to say "no" to a dream in fear that the odds are not favorable. the question always plagues me, "what if it doesn't work out?"

and every so often, a certain dark corner of my mind becomes apparent in which the half-closed lid where those dreams are stored comes a bit unhinged. siren calls of an artist's life, fraught with hardship, accompanied by momentary satisfaction. life seems perpetually unfulfilled otherwise, an existence that grows more hardened, a joyless groove driven into the dusty, infertile ground. the groove deepens and widens, deepens and widens until the sunlight of possibility becomes a pinpoint in the distance, overshadowed by the pernicious advance of comfortable repetition. it seems that without the struggle to create, we live for little more than bread, sex, toys to ease our toilsome minds and perhaps a soft pillow to cushion our heads.

life contradicts its own instinct by leading us all inevitably to our deaths; my awareness of this fact drives me to see its manifestations in every waking moment during which i am able to spare a thought. it is almost as if i live a life driven by the concept of death. it is not a haunted daydream, more a reminder that i refuse to live a life that is little more than survival until the last unpredictable moment.

it is a torment to live with dreams that die. these imagined realities must be questioned, for it is through them that i live.

makes perfect sense, of course. to meet someone and not be able to go farther than hello and goodbye. the ideal dysfunctional, nonexistent relationship.

also amusing to watch myself completely disregard the unbreakable rule. clients are strictly offlimits. a hard rule to keep sometimes.

the impulsive one goes looking for a fight with a guy twice his size. he doesn't care about succeeding as a professional; as long as it's different from yesterday, he wants to do it now.
he doesn't mind the idea of losing a quality gig for the sake of playing with some girl...

stop, saru.

selfdiscipline is useless if it inspires its opposite.