this summer:

lucia becomes io.

wanderlei becomes prometheus.

erin becomes pandora.

all fighters, all of them lost.

well, lucia didn't lose. but her careerlong dream is
quickly fading from her grasp as time passes...

contradiction, impulse and the drive toward an aborted conclusion. easy to see in other people, as some peoples' lives are ruled, even destroyed by such an occluded thought process. ideas that, in a cooler-headed version of myself, seem utterly anathema. logic becomes rhetoric, reason becomes a chorus of distractions.

d.i.y. ::

this has nothing to do with "punk". nowadays, punk lives at hot topic; windowshopping for culture is a 3-dimensional warm-up to reality television. real people are actors, the environment is a set piece and innocent background objects are transformed into impeccably placed product images that silently consume the insatiable consumer.

d.i.y. always meant do it anyway -- even if the money wasn't there, or if i "just don't have the time". time continues as we move through space, not as planned beforehand.

rarely do events unfold in sync with a human schedule... the defusion of uncertainty lies within the unborn forms of the future itself. with no plan "B", and full acceptance of failure, i decide to move anyway. more often than not, reality (or rather, other people) tend(s) to bend with me. at least sometimes. other times, mindset produces alternatives and ways to evade all but the most impassable obstacles. in those cases, failure simply comes and passes, having already been accepted from the outset.

d.i.y. is persistence, memory of the old phrase "fear is information". not to be ignored or obeyed, but rather, observed and noted -- given equal weight as a simple form of feedback. fear doesn't mean stop, it means pause and look carefully. fear can also be reframed into positive energy, and fed forward to create an enhanced form of the original purpose.

how insidious a feeling of panic can be. it leads not to careful analysis, but an intense desire for escape. over the summer months, there began a claustrophobic narrowing, the sensation of having nowhere to be, much less having anywhere to go. oppressive external whispers became internalized false impressions, barely familiar voices giving advice as to where my life's direction should turn. chance meetings began to occur, followed by more intimations and confiding nudges. seductive images began to undermine the previously clear vision of what mattered most, as the promise of a quick dollar and a way out formed an intense lure toward the darkest edges. it all seemed possible, it could all be so easy.

friends would just nod and smile, encouraging the escape that they so envied, as if i would become the embodiment of a daring and exciting dream. of course, they wouldn't follow such a dream, because ultimately it is hollow and paper-thin, even at its strongest moments.

whispers, nods, smiles, impressions, directions. have i ever shown the truth of myself to them? if so, why wasn't a single voice willing to say "stop"?

the lesson is a simple one.

difficult to learn, easy to forget.

audio: remakes vol 1 . decay session (paul mac stimulus dub)