Meditation really isn't that difficult. And it hasn't turned me into an emotionless vegetable or a hopeless fatalist.

I write this in response to the number of people I see every day who are drifting through their lives. I myself fall victim to the waking dream-state at times. So much so that I have a firm grasp of the impossible task presented by creating a definition of what's "really real".

• How to distinguish between feeling [mind] and sensation [tactile function]?
  
  
• How to distinguish between rational thought [logic] and emotional discourse?
  
  

Most people who interact with me are struck by the apparent sense of discipline that I have. And yet within myself, I see so much more to do. Although I try constantly to maintain a sense of self-awareness, throughout the day there are lulls and times when self-examination disappears into melange of "what ifs", "whys", and a general emotional attachment.

Attachment to what?

Attachment to what's on the computer screen, thoughts about what I have to do during the rest of the day, how to correct my posture, that extremely shy girl sitting in the corner cubicle of the office that I can't seem to find a way to talk to, etc...

The path seems so steep that I look down a few steps to reach the bottom, but peering upward, I see an infinite repitition of steps, obscured at the apex by the uncertainty of death's ultimate moment. And looking into the three dimensions of mundanity, I find other human beings struggling to find happiness, as a blind man searching for equilibrium in a room with no tactile landmarks and a doorway that emits no draft of air nor source of heat.

How does a human being go about finding happiness with no understanding of the root of their own thoughts?

This is why I practice meditation as the Zen Buddhist practices meditation. Not meditating about something, but rather, meditating within. There are so many ways of understanding that to confine myself to intellectual, rational thought is entirely too limiting. It is quite uncomfortable at first to sit zazen and allow thoughts to pass without consciously grasping at them, wrestling them to a point of resolution. The difficulty lies in concentration of mind within the posture without allowing the partial functions of intellect to consolidate intention.

When, during zazen, I say, "don't move, don't move," what I really mean is, do not attach yourself to any thought, let the thoughts pass by. In reality, holding perfectly still means not holding still. In reality, "don't move" means move, don't sleep. It's like a spinning top: one might think of it as motionless but it is all motion; one can see its motion only when it starts and slows at the end. Tranquility in movement, thus, is the secret of kendo, the way of the sword, and also the secret of Budo, and of Zen, which have the same flavor.

The Zen Way to the Martial Arts; Taisen Deshimaru

There are a couple of advantages to working in an office with a relatively large number of people under the age of 30. One of them is shared interests.

I like the fact that when I get in every day, I can sit down at my computer, open up one of my bookmarks and start my day off on a chill note. The guy that sits next to me was once a deejay, and the one who sits next to him is a recovering club addict :)... so when I put on some trance, downtempo [or whatever] audio streams, the people around me respond to it.

It's not even always a conscious thing, either; sometimes they just tap their fingers or shoes unconsciously. It's like catching the vibe... naturally.

Re: The Bushido Fantasy

Excerpted from The Historical Foundations of Bushido

Even as a kind of historiographic term--i.e. a modern label for warrior ideology--"bushido" is a problematic construct. There was very little discussion in written form of proper "warrior-ness," except for legal codes developed by daimyo, until the Tokugawa period. The concept of a code of conduct for the samurai was a product of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, when Japan was at peace, not the medieval "Age of the Country at War."

Very interesting...yet another myth debunked. I never imagined that the majority of writings about the "noble samurai" would have been written when much of the bloodshed of the samurai soldier-warrior were over. I can't honestly say that I am surprised, though.

Realization: Time flies. Parts of your life will disappear into the past if you don't keep them up to date.

The sounds are beautiful.

Talvin Singh - Anokha.

The Dream Deferred

Martin Luther King III is interviewed about social issues and the role of technology. IMHO, a bit idealistic, but considering the source, I suppose idealism is to be expected.

The most striking thought that I gleaned from the article was from the passage in which King speaks about America's growing population. He remarks that his father [Martin Luther King Jr.] said that:

"violence is the language of the unheard".

It's interesting... looking back on my experiences and the reasons that I used to justify fighting, most of them centered around a sense of frustration at the inability to be understood. I still feel that frustration, although I express it differently. I sit and shake my head, thinking about all of the intelligent people without the means to express themselves. I would be a much more violent person had I not learned to express myself in the ways that I have.

Human energy needs an outlet. The choices are to destroy or to create. The motivation is the struggle for survival.
This raises an interesting question: Does the human mind truly understand right and wrong, or is the creative manifestation of individual humanity simply a combination of societally engrained values and chance experiences?

Do humans negotiate the moral "fork in the road" according to the path of least resistance?

There is a sign outside my office that says "Unlimited Care, Inc."

That seems just a bit odd.

Unlimited Care.

Incorporated.

Hmm...

And then the storm passed as quickly as it had begun, with only the lingering chill of the wind as a reminder.

I was just in a meeting with the president of the company that I work for to give my perspective regarding the restructuring of the company [an 11:00am meeting].

Having sat down at my desk afterwards, I began to pore over my notes, typing feverishly in order to transcribe the happenings at the meeting. A few minutes passed.
I looked at the screen in the midst of my accelerated synaptic conflagration and suddenly, I stopped. And wondered.

"Life has no inherent meaning. All meaning that I assign is arbitrary."

This is what kept me from performing better at college, for the one year before my parents ran out of money... I started to ask why.

And I found no answer.

I've tried to stop asking why but I can't. Every time I stop asking myself this question, I feel the sensation of failure. But knowledge is not the purpose of life, it is the means to an end. To have known is to have achieved; having achieved, the purpose for learning has expired. Application of one's learning is just another series of goals, accomplishments and failures. If I accomplish, the beauty of creation lives and eventually dies. If I fail, the loss of self-confidence is easily recouped.

But sometimes I feel elated and happy for no reason; do I trust that feeling, or the predominant confusion? Consciousness is momentary; who I am at this moment is not who I am at the next. My memories and synthetic awareness [awareness built on previous influences] are all that remain of the past self. Looking into the future [another imaginative quantity], I see happiness, sadness, empathy, etc. The carousel turns endlessly.

From the Crooked Cucumber:

Over a second cup of tea, the aging student said, "When you prescribed a year at this place for me, you told me I would find great joy."

Roshi nodded solemnly.

"I have been here about four months since then", the student continued, "and I'm beginning to suspect that you omitted to tell me the full price of that great joy you promised."

Roshi returned his gaze expectantly.

"To find that great joy, I will first have to lose the will to live, won't I, Roshi?"

Roshi took a long time to answer. "Yes," he said finally, "but without gaining a will to die."

There will be new words in the "writings" section as soon as I up[load] them.

Did I mention that Lara is sci-fi too?

No, not Angelina, Lara.

Jet Li is Sci Fi. Are you Sci Fi?

A cool little side note: turn images off in your browser settings, and this site looks exactly the same. Minus the banner ads on top, that is.

New layout. Since it's a personal site, I decided not to waste my time coding for Netscape.
The site is still visible via NS, but was designed and looks best on Internet Explorer 4.0 or higher.

Otherwise, the layout has a low bandwidth, simple interface. Some DHTML [IE only].

Looks good to me.