officially. school is over. in properly melodramatic fashion.

it may be a blessing in disguise that things turned out this way. a recurring theme from the past 48 hours: fewer mistakes over time, each one more costly than the last.

most amusing is that two years later, the end looks increasingly similar to the beginning. more knowledge and experience this time, in a contemplated return to the future of times' past.

the dreamy rebellious kid who continually overestimated his own intelligence, aspiring to write 3-d videogame software using the BASIC programming language. who strangely enough, didn't need a profit motive to get out of bed in the morning. the one who found a perverse kind of pleasure in manipulating objects with his mind rather than his hands.

only now it's the shiny new rich client architecture that powers all the hot websites now. so much has happened in two years; awakening tomorrow will inevitably be a release from some kind of self-imposed prison...

...now the key is to make this release into something far less icarus and much more horus. rather than wings that melt near the sun, how to embody the power of wind and sky? overestimation costs.

a reference to greek and egyptian god-myths comes quickly, spontaneously... useful to note also that the melodrama mentioned above came about in part by following a dream. a nightmare, actually. this fearful dream bore direct (or directly analogical) significance. it was an unacceptable, unspoken answer that congested both waking thoughts as well as half-drawn figures of possibility and unintended consequence. when a dream predicts a future of suffering, the present needs to change.

today, then, differs almost completely from sevenhundredthirty days ago: conscious logic not longer pretends to answer questions on its own anymore. logic interprets and rationalizes the decisions that have already taken place, and sometimes exerts a mild influence on an already narrowed set of options. logic counts the blades of grass whereas there is an increasing awareness that there is an entire planet underneath.

now, moment by moment, the shift has begun. and all of those predetermined rules and lockstep outcomes of the past no longer exist. truly, they never did. have i jumped from the cliff toward the sun -- only to realize that my wings are not securely attached? or will tonight's dreams serve as reminder that mythology finds meaning in the mind of the reader, not the searing all-too-real illusions of in an imagined objective reality?

saru seems to be waving his tail on the page again...

audio: leftfield . cut for life [vinyl junkie]