sitting in the darkened room, small round table cluttered with a few beer bottles and tall drinking glasses. although she sits next to me, i am there by myself, sober as always amidst the spontaneous eruptions of artificially induced joy and laughter rippling around the table from time to time. every now and then an empty smile forms along the edges of my lips... it is a strange feeling to experience a sudden and absolute coldness toward someone else.

this is probably the underlying sense of the word "misogyny" mentioned a few posts ago. not a hatred. not exactly. the slight tinge of cruelty that creeps into my personality resonates as a reaction to something within myself.

perhaps it is linked somehow to the feeling upon waking some days. the feeling that death itself has perched at my windowsill and watches closely as i sleep. meditation allows the self to appear as an illusion, without border or substance. and yet, others seem too real; controlled by social forces, they seem possessed by games of power and fears of rejection. distaste for these games leads me to play them with a dispassionate eye toward destroying the personality of one who would use such tactics against me.

it wasn't her fault; this is the world of society. but for all the romantic sentiments that are bandied about with a careless nostalgia for an impossible future, i fear that there is no sympathy left within me, to say nothing at all of empathy.

so melodramatic... as time passes, i find myself caring less and less. death itself is not conceptually frightening. it is the prospect of survival, hammered and filed down to suit acceptable parameters. and who are the gatekeepers and enforcers of this carefully defined system? hint: the system is dyadic in nature; this system admits most naturally of dominant and submissive elements that often interact, exchange attributes and even allow reversal of roles, however temporary. all progeny of this system are born of such a dyad, although the dyad is often split by the moment of conception, with one monad grevious in its absence. all humans are products of this system.

that seems to my first (pseudo)object relations-based riddle. hm... of course, the answer is what this entry is really all about. and as always, this could all be a well-picked bunch of gibberish.

motion: john huston|arthur miller . the misfits

for some time now, i've wanted to learn about certain things -- shibari and breath play for example -- and yet, the exhibitionist debauchery of the past evening smacks of a certain desparate cliquishness.

(how's that for a statistically improbable phrase...)