"it's like dog training. some people just need to be shown the alpha male," he says. i can hear him adjust the heavy glasses on the bridge of his nose. he continues.

"some people just have to find out the hard way."

the reasoning of an unrepentant geek is always entertaining, particularly when rationalizing his interactions with other humans. there was only one catch here -- actually, there were two:

1. this geek is working as a subcontractor for me; and
2. the unenlightened creature in his analogy, the one who so sorely needed training, also happens to be my client.

"are you familiar with zen buddhism?", he asks, growing increasingly pleased with himself as i simply listened to his voice.

"of course," i said, sighing quietly into telephone receiver.

• gensha.

"there is a saying," he says. "'If you understand, things are as they are. If you do not understand, things are as they are.'" an unimpeachable chain of logic follows. he rather deftly links this sage quote to the somewhat unrelated facts of the situation, eventually admonishing the client for his ignorance of technical matters. at this point, it becomes clear that my interjection on anyone's behalf places me squarely in the middle of a meaningless battle. on one side, the busy client who just wants this problem fixed yesterday. on the other side, a self-described "enlightened consultant" who believes in fixing everything at once in a flash of selfless brilliance.

i recently suffered from a bout of narcissism myself, however. this lapse was fueled by caring opinions and considerate advice combined with a latent desire for momentary escape. "chin up!" the photographer exclaimed. "give me the look... more, more!" an intermingling of physical presence under the heat of the lights and feigned emotional intensity needed to get the right look -- "there has to be something showing behind the eyes," he growled, fixing me momentarily with his best mix of svengali and mesmer. he then disappeared behind the camera. "now, the look! chin up! more, more!"

surprisingly exhausted by the effort of looking like a better version of myself for the past three hours, i slunk away to an afternoon appointment. the only real desire at that point was to remember what my brain felt like. oddly enough, though, even at that moment, the geek mentality remained strangely unappealing. hiding behind superior airs, script kiddie jargon and vaguely sadistic "junkyard dog" metaphors when dealing with other people. these attributes were thanklessly excised a few years ago, not without considerable effort. a few days after the photoshoot, however, this phone call offers a stinging reminder of postadolescence in the voice of a much older man.

the client, whose misfortune it was to deal with my opensource obsessed acquaintance, was simply a busy man with little time for technoevangelism.

my eyes travel downward quickly, glancing at the time on taskbar of my pda as it recharges on the bed. the backlit display shows brightly as the powercord snakes downward behind the dresser and shares a tight embrace with the wall outlet situated approximately five inches above the floor. gently guiding him away from his self-protective harangue, the word "linux" is casually mentioned. the wise old geek clumsily readjusts his glasses and switches tracks immediately. he rebounds into a joyous, gasping tribute to the virtues of puppy linux and mepis. part of me engages him in gagging on about the sheer coolness of this and that. the detached ninety-percent, however, ponders where to find a technician who doesn't fear other humans.

following a series of delicate phone calls, the situation with the client is resolved by the next toll of the hour. unfortunately, in this case, the kind judge is also the remorseless executioner: my zen consultant will have to find other human dogs to tame. a buddhist hippie computer geek with residual bits of ego and scant traces of humor isn't just a spoilsport, he's dangerous. and not in an "alan watts/seeing the really real world" kind of way, either.

seems to be the case for most people, though, geek or otherwise.

audio: refused . coup d'etat

pete burns.

anyways, its been a strange week. taken headshots, about to cancel a hookup with an old friend. maybe i should post the headshots... maybe i should call him back.

or maybe not.

the weird thing about shifting yourself into a new frame is that all sorts of other elements rise to the surface... as the positive becomes clearer, so does its shadow.

if it were possible to live an idealized version of your future.
predicted outcome of results from present actions.

. . .

"you look familiar..."

the heavset, tall grip looked at me as if vaguely starstruck.

"... have i seen you on, like, a reality show or something?"

quizzical, i cocked my head to the side a bit and wondered if he was serious. having been stared at for a few moments longer, he seemed not to have any other motive besides an answer for that odd non-compliment. stepping from the train car to the platform, as the doors began to close i left him with the only rejoinder that seemed possible given the circumstances.

a short laugh. "i hope not."

. . .

back to the question:
if it were possible to live an idealized version of my future, would i?

interesting to think that all of this curiosity about acting, theater and film has been centered around a single role. there is always the ideal character that seems to play itself out in tidal washes of imagined memory, inundating the mundane backstage realities of the present. amusing, now, that over the past nine months, other people appear to catch a glimpse of that character. and now i understand something more of the psychology, physicality and intentionality of him -- his superobjectives are becoming clear. they are becoming mine.

this creature of my imagination seems to quietly burst forth every now and then, choosing the moments of least reflection on the self and its peculiar minutiae. as the ideal image becomes more detailed, strategies also evolve to realign the old complex of obsolete personality traits. the old complex becomes malleable rather than crystalline, flexible enough to allow for mistakes to be made in the process of moving forward.

and what of the mistakes? there are already ways of turning those to the advantage; at times it feels as if life until now has been nothing but mistakes. from a different angle, an unfavorable sequence of events can be turned using a trick of perception. lacking any supernatural motivation, the effort yields no necessary reward other than the amusement of having subverted an obstacle, allowing it to be recast as an advantage.