back to zero.

time to reflect, now that the client management software has been written. clients are calling more often, but the account balance stays barely above the red.

always, the first ideal has been to create. recently, the line of reasoning was probably something like the following:

computer skills -> tech consulting -> create a business -> let the business run itself as a system

the challenge was to create a business. about a year and a half ago, a client refused to refer me to her colleagues unless i had a website -- a professional presence of some kind. so i did what i always do: went completely to the opposite extreme. the past 1 1/2 years are the timespan of that building process.

so now, there is a framework in place, complete with a homebrewed, ostensibly extensible, web based project- and client- management app.

having done all this preparation, i look back at the original goal: to create something. does the first principle hold up from this point forward? now that the company is settling into solid foundings, what now?

there must be some way to arrive at a recognizable outcome for the everyday efforts. walking in the city, names etched into the cornerstones of buildings: the dying wishes of the rich to be remembered for something other than their riches... seems a waste, to spend a lifetime scrambling for 'profit'. when the coffin closes or the urn is sealed, will there be anything left at all? and who really reads those dead rich peoples' names as they pass by on their daily travels? i can't remember a single one. they all blur together as a statement of "the rich and forgettable". it must be true that in time, all is forgotten, but i wonder if the true meaning of one's work is best reflected in the effect that it has on the people who see or touch it. and if the achievements of a lifetime are better measured by their reverberations beyond the grave, than by the amount of earnings stockpiled for the next generation to squabble over and squander.

a technician doesn't create. he restores a system to zero, to an optimal, fully functioning state. he then disappears and leaves no trace. beyond this, although a craftsman may create a functional artifact for little more than a paycheck, he still can point to that artifact as the outcome of his effort. further still, an artist creates, with the hope of capturing something of the human condition as an echo captures a clear voice traveling across the innate emptiness of time and space.

what is an artist without a lasting contribution to his field?

how does he choose, when the future is always uncertain?

audio: oxia . reflexion (deetron remix)

at this point, i have no idea where things are headed.

something does feel right, though. physically. four years ago, i can remember. prescriptions and other concoctions. this body was not fully possessed by its owner, in a sense. the outcome of semicontrolled chemistry, sleep deprivation, a soup of negative emotions and their attendant electrochemical manifestations.

to cut the memories short before they return, a summary would be simple: stress and confusion, too much of both; time and money, too little of either.

unwinding into the present, the mind slowly unknotting itself, starting to stretch and explore. as this happens, all those wish-question-curiosities that remained as trace elements in the back of my mind are increasingly asserting themselves... the sphere of ideas, the internal reality from which the world can be considered, is becoming stronger.

the question now, though, is how to bring the internal

out

in a way that maintains congruity with the self-construction that has already taken place. it was who am i, now it becomes how shall i...

seems almost laughable, then, that something as openly villified by most people would provide a source of strength. the word, even, is difficult to speak without evoking some melodramatic flair, a gasped utterance of the insufferably obvious. perhaps i should whisper it, then: suicide.

in a society that provides so little for its people, we work to eat. the alternative, as persons in an aristocratically networked order, is that we cease to exist. we fall off the map as disconnected nodes. what if we were to live, i mean really live -- not just survive -- or die? not just the symbolic death of the homeless and ignored, but real, apparent, permanent death. what would happen if survival was not enough.

to live this way or die this way, for lack of a comfortingly empty mythology on which to rest at the end of the day. i wonder if this body can hold up to the test. but physically, i am strong, every day pushing myself to become stronger. the unbalanced equation lies deeper, as i suppose it must.

so many variables.

audio: infusion . better world (josh wink mix)

over the past couple of years, there has been a semi-regular rotation.

eddie izzard's favorite animals... the squirrels take up residence in a crook of the tree that grows nearest the window. the season passes, and soon enough they are gone. as old gatherings of foliage and nest material fall away from disuse over time, a new arrival wiggles her nose and rubs her paws together in anticipation. and so it begins again.

a welcome interruption from the daily non-routine of staring blankly at the computer screen. the furry grey acrobat jumps, dives and comes to a frenetic screeching halt, all with a branch in her mouth that nearly equals her length, tail included.

over the past few months, it seems that dreams and realities are becoming strangely intertwined. a couple of books have arrived regarding the realities of the acting world. a client (two, actually, one a former model herself) has recommended taking headshots. and a new friend who owns a fashion consulting business mentioned acting as a possibility.

the toughest part of all this is not the creativity (i hate writing code unless it does something cooool), but rather the channel for that creativity. modelling is not terribly creative, but i am a closet style-whore... ;) meaning that my style is as simple as possible, but people still feel the need to comment from time to time.

acting, though, is more interesting. the psychology of it. getting into a character. realizing that the audience can actually have a real response to a person who is, at the heart of it, pretending to be someone else. the strangeness of "living truthfully under imaginary circumstances"...

the other parts of acting -- the narcissistic "joy of performance", illusion of fame, etc. -- are not so interesting, considering that most people are sheep: hence, they applaud loudly when they see other people applauding.

it's just a hard thing to wrap a brain around... but then, not really. the pull toward money and the struggle that is already present (a.k.a growing the business) is very strong. tiny strides forward seem so important. it is very easy to forget that there is so much more to life than this.